#BrexitIn5Words
He’s just not into EU
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Ever had sex so bad you felt like calling a manager to complain?
You’re a cunt. Maybe that’s why you’re alone.
Me: dance like no one’s watching!
Them: but not naked in the freezer aisle with a frozen turkey to ‘do they know it’s Christmas’!
We grew up so poor we could only play duck duck.
am dying at this guy in the abercrombie&fitch netflix documentary explaining the concept of a shopping mall
If I run my fingers through your hair, I’m not being romantic… I’m probably just trying to get chicken wing grease off my hands
How about if you write in an opposite journal?
Write what you DIDN’T do.
Day 1: definitely didn’t kill anyone today
[to wife on phone] yes spend all our life savings on honey
W: but-
PLS JUST DO IT
*ends phonecall*
BEAR [holding gun to my head]: u did good
“Matt, you just need to date the type of person that will always be there for you!”
[tries to date pizza]
[gets friend calzoned]
I can’t wait for my mom to come to my new house so she can tell me how I organized the kitchen wrong.
“Daddy, tell me again about how you wasted time before Twitter existed?”
“Well son, we used to look at clouds & pretend they were animals.”
COP: drop the gun
CRIMINAL: no
COP: [flipping through police handbook, whispers to partner] it doesnt say what to do if he says no
I have a plan. I bring him home ,but don’t sleep with him.
Long story short he pays for the taxi.
Me: It’s so nice to be wearing a shirt that fits and isn’t stained.
Toothpaste: Hi
I want to work in a Morgue, because if no one comes to claim the bodies, hey, free bodies.
What should we call this giant advertising board?
PHIL: A philboard
BILL: I have a better idea
The rare times my cat approaches me for affection, I run away and hide under the bed so she knows what that feels like.
Fact: you spend an average of 1.3 hrs of your life in the pantry looking for the damn paprika
“Let me get this straight, you got your asses kicked by four fully mature mutant ninja turtles?”
“No, sir, it’s actually worse than that.”
*man on tv sweeps items off desk and passionately embraces woman*
Me: How romantic.
*husband passionately throws folded laundry off bed*
Me: WTF
Do not squander your short time on earth acquiring worldly possessions. Instead, try to get laid a lot.
I’m stressed right now so I’m watching a show about the mafia to help me relax.
*Ordering Chinese Food
Vanilla Ice: I’ll have egg rolls and chicken fried rice rice baby
pep talk
ME: Onions make me cry.
HER: It’s from a compound called Syn-Propanethial-S-Oxide.
ME: I think it’s probably cuz an onion killed my parents.
The secret to a good marriage is that it’s all about give and take. Giving each other frequent back rubs and ordering lots of takeout
I think everyone would benefit if women had Oxford commas instead of periods.
If you’re bringing a kid to my house, it better be a baby goat.
– That last book of yours was faaan-tastic. A naked lady with a talking snake. A kid kills a giant and chops his head off. A flood murders the world! What do you have for the sequel?
– It’s about a pleasant fellow who goes around telling people to be nice.
– Hmm. Not liking it.
Dove: Dad, what’s my name mean?
Me: It’s the symbol for love
Swallow: What about mine?
Me: Umm, true love.