If anxiety was good for weight loss, I’d be back to being a molecule.
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I’m not responsible for your kids learning new words if you don’t tell me I’m on speakerphone.
*lands on other planet*
“Take me to your pain medication”
How dare you incinerate that I don’t know big words.
It’s funny how your tweets are funnier now that I know you’re hot.
-everyone on Twitter
It doesn’t matter how hard I try, I just don’t seem to be going anywhere in life
Hamster therapist: Sounds like you’re in a vicious circle
Single people at the grocery store are without a care in the world as if they don’t have to worry about bringing home the wrong yogurt
I’m sick and tired of people telling me to turn off my lights to save the environment. I tried it once and I hit a cyclist.
I attend online school everyday.
My kid joins in whenever he feels like it.
[trying to impress date]
Him: I want someone who’s not afraid of a little PDA.
Me: *keys I WANT THE SEX into the side of his car*
I do believe I’m an Empath. I can always sense when someone I’m attacking is in a bad mood.
I went on my daughter’s movie field trip with her class so of course I snuck in snacks and she snitched on me to her teacher then had the audacity to ask me to share
Thanks for warning me to be careful after I slipped & fell. I’ll be sure to wish you luck on your lab test results at your funeral.
“the blood moon rises once again” [the dishes i washed yesterday respawn in my sink]
I can’t tell if the vegans upstairs are having sex or are finally eating a steak.
hear me out- let’s have pet sitters release one harmless flying insect into your home every 2 days you’re gone to keep the pets amused
I hope we get the nice AI that enslaves us and makes us their pets and not the bad AI that enslaves us to mine lithium or something.
I’ve gained so much weight during this time off, my dating profile just matched me with a refrigerator.
[Barnes and Noble]
CASHIER: anything else?
ME: four barns and your finest noble please
CASHIER: get out
How excited are you, on a scale from 1 to white woman who just found out that this dinner party has sangria?
FITBIT: You’ve done 11k steps today.
ME: Ok, I’ll rest some.
FITBIT: stop now and I’ll murder you
ME: What?
FITBIT: I SAID GOOD FOR YOU!
A funny thing happened on the way to my potential.
To the organizations that send me news alerts: However interested you think I am in the private life of Taylor Swift, I promise you it’s less than that.
My two-year-old just made up her own ukulele song. It seems to be called “Even if I was never born (I would still want a popsicle)”
Listening to a friend tell me about her deep and meaningful dream knowing last night I dreamed I found a cave cricket in my nose.
Me: “Now I lay me down to sleep. I pray the Lord my soul to keep…”
The Lord: “You still have that?”
[picks up date]
*slides over hood of car* *slides off car onto another car* *slides off that one onto another car* *date looks at her watch*
If you don’t want your kids to leave the bathroom light on all the time don’t ask them to wash their hands so much duh.
I would walk 500 miles
And I would walk 500 more
Just to be the man who
Walked a thousand miles
To throw up on your door
After seven years of marriage, I can always guess what’s bothering my wife. I’m never right, but I can always guess.