Alien: We’ve returned, show us what you built with our technology
Egyptians: …
Aliens: …
Egyptians: ok don’t be mad
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If you’re wondering who the dumbest person in the world is, I put latte mug of tea in the microwave, but the mug was too tall, so I poured some tea out and tried to put the mug back in.
Me: runs for 2 mins
My heart: if you don’t stop, I will.
[married people conversations]
Wife: babe, what’s the guys name from that movie we watched on Netflix that one time?
Me: Joseph Gordon-Levitt.
Wife: that’s it! thanks!
Die Hard (1988):A cop stops terrorists in a building
Therapist:Sounds cool but lets discuss how ur parents named u the title/year of a movie
Dr: any side effects from that new medicine?
Me plopping myself down onto his lap: it makes me overly affectionate
Whoever said ‘carbs are not your friend’ does not understand how friendship works.
Become ungovernable.
ME: hi handsome, is this seat taken?
BUS DRIVER: yes, but you could literally sit anywhere else
Oh, you like Thanksgiving?
Name 3 pilgrims.
wondering if our openly racist uncles talk about their non racist uncles like “u shoulda heard the non-racist shit coming out of his mouth”
me: see you tomorrow
coworker: ok it’s a date[later]
me, thinking to myself: a date? but that could lead to affection, intimacy and eventually, love[the next day]
coworker: *just doing work stuff like any other day*
me: *in HR desperately seeking a transfer to Argentina*
Arm falls off
Wife: You don’t drink enough water.
i get all my pet peeves from a peeve rescue
A pregnant family member is looking for a old-fashion social security number. What is your social security number?
Interviewer: who are these people with you?
Me: My squad.
My mom and dad: *whispering* tell him about our goals.
“I’ve got a couple of ideas I wanna run by you this afternoon,” my coworker threatened
My daughter is able to take one chocolate cookie and then go about her day not caring that there’s more.
I’m pretty sure she’s a witch.
MUGGER: *pulls out a knife*
ME: *pulls out a jar of marmalade and two biscuits*
MUGGER: Lovely.
They found the charred body rolled into an old carpet, locked inside the trunk of a burned out car. The police suspect foul play.
*boyfriend calls girlfriend*
Bf: “Hey Babe, I love you!”
Gf: “we’re breaking up”
Bf: “no we’re not, I can hear you just fine.”
Date a person who doesn’t use drugs so they won’t use yours.
If I was meant to exercise, the good alcohol would be kept on the bottom shelf not the top.
9am: protein shake, oatmeal
1pm: small salad, chicken breast
5pm: grilled salmon, spinach
9pm: 4 whole “i don’t give a shit anymore” pizzas
I got IDd last night, but as I was rummaging around in my purse for my ID, the dude saw my checkbook and said “nevermind” 😭😒🤣 FIRST OF ALL
ME: *gets down on one knee*
HER: omg
ME: *gets down on both knees* whoa these muscle relaxers are awesome
You know dystopia has arrived when Victoria’s Secret starts selling brass braziers.
Apple Computer is taking steps to
protect user privacy.Their new policy is iWon’t tell…iPromise
I’m fat but also mysterious *disappears in cloud of biscuits
Where’s the Google setting that says “I’m researching this for my job. I don’t actually want a roll of a thousand coffee mug stickers”?