My wife has just come home and asked how things went with the baby. Now in mild panic mode as I thought she took the baby along with her
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Sorry just got your text. Do you still need to go to the hospital?
Getting grey hair hurts less when you say you’re sprouting tinsel instead.
Technically every mocking reply to a crypto bro is an NFT, because it’s a digital record of them being owned
Me: sshhhhh, the house is right there *loading shotgun*
Realtor: *steps on a twig that snaps loudly*
House: *picks up garage and runs into the forest*
Me: for a realtor, you really suck at house hunting
“Do you smoke the devil’s lettuce?”
Mom, why the h*ck would I smoke coleslaw
My dog reacts to the vacuum cleaner the same way I react when my wife says “We need to talk”.
#Caturday
Do you have any candy? NEXT!
Do you have any candy? NEXT!
Do you have any candy? NEXT!~Me. Speed dating.
[Genetics Lab]
Me: One designer baby, please
Doctor: It’s not like that, you..
Me: Please remove the pooping and crying functions
Doctor: What? No, you can’t…
Me: Give it wings and flamethrowers
Doctor:
Me: I’m gonna call her Claire
I’m a mom of 2 boys. My hobbies include always wondering where that smell is coming from and if it’s safe to pick up that towel or sock on the floor.
Whoa. Wait a minute.
So those stick figures on your car aren’t for pedestrians you ran over?
Damn it!
*starts scraping off her stickers*
I spent a solid 10 minutes lecturing my kid about not writing on the couch with a pen and she said “It’s a marker not a pen.”
Her: did you give the dog alcohol?
Me: no, why? Is he acting weird
Dog: *texting* yo how come nothing ever happened between us? :/
Today my 12 year old went back into a room to switch off a light, so never give up on your dreams
If you see my kid on zoom in the same clothes he’s been wearing the past five days mind your business our homeschool has a uniform.
To: Everybody
Subject: Dance Now
Cc: Music Factory
Son #1: How long have we owned this house?
Me: You mean how long have I owned this house.
S1: No, I mean we. We share it, right?
Me: [Mufasa voice] Look around you, son. Everything the light touches … belongs to me.
I get that the mirror in my therapist’s office is symbolic for self-reflection.
But why is it on the ceiling?
And why is his couch a water bed?
[noir voice-over] I wasn’t a real man. Just three kids stacked on top of each other in a trenchcoat. She knew it, too. She also knew I was the only one who could solve her husband’s murder
Tubi just be putting anything on here… I just saw me walking by. 🤦🏽♀️
“Just spread them open and shove your face in there.”
– How to put on glasses.
I did laundry for 7 miles according to my Fitbit that I accidentally washed and dried.
Mayonnaise is cum. When you put it on a sandwich, you’re spreading cum on your bread. When you ask for it on a burger, you ordered cum.
that’s exactly what a haunted chair WOULD say
I used to brag that my dad worked in the food court.
I thought he was a food lawyer. Shoulda wondered why a lawyer would wear a sbarro shirt
My couch doubles up as a bed, a work station, a cheeto hiding place…. it’s like the other furniture isn’t even trying!
I need a way to roll up a car window between me and a person talking to me when I’m not in a car
You think you’re your own worst critic? Just wait till you have kids
My husband is traveling and my 9yo wants to talk to me about our “sleeping situation” tonight. I’m never getting the bed to myself again, am I?