“The way to a man’s heart is through his stomach.”
– inept cardiovascular surgeons who end up going into gastroenterology
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Honesty is a bit of a red flag for me. Like woah! What are you not trying to hide?!
I’m like 4% cute and 98% bad at math.
It’s a doge eat doge world out there. Such cutthroat. Very survival of the fitter
You know the person in exercise videos that’s doing the easy version of everything? I’m the guy behind that person eating chips.
Genie: You get one wish.
Me: I wish I had more twitter followers.
Genie: Done. *vanishes*
*Checks phone*
Genie is now following you.
Son: mom, you wanna dance with me?
Me, who has no rhythm: *dances*
Son: maybe you can just watch me instead.
The sole purpose of a potato masher is to prevent you from opening a drawer.
Therapist: How would you describe your relationship with your wife?
Me: She told me to tell you it’s fine
my mom making me talk to relatives
Good News: Your kid will finally eat something green.
Bad News: It’s avocados, and now you have to take out a second mortgage.
It’s actually illegal to see your neighbour washing his car and not say ‘You can do mine next if you want!’.
Hear me out, what if Santa actually exist but we’re just all on the naughty list?
I’m doing the lords work (judging)
Plot twist:
“Luke, I am your Mother.” – Yoda
Your car will never make that noise for the mechanic. Your car is like “That’s our special noise. I only make that noise for you.”
my therapist gave me her cell phone number.
and I’m supposed to be the crazy one.
[ER]
Dr: …major cardiac event, you must improve your diet
Me: But I eat tons of fruit and veg
D: Such as?
M: I have ketchup on everything, salad in burgers, pineapple on pizza, a Bloody Mary at breakf—
D: *switching off life support* Nurse, record time of death as imminent
🎵 Like a good neighbor, stay over there!! 🎶
“Hot, lo-cal singles in your area!”
– Diet ads for Cannibals
Husband is watching a Hunger Games movie marathon with the kids.
Little does he know that while he’s at work all day, I LIVE the Hunger Games with these people. And it’s definitely a marathon.
I wish there was some sort of idiom to describe how easily I just took that lollipop from that infant.
Don’t ask me if I’m participating in no nut November, call me when it’s time for Donut December
Oh, you’re about to earn your 3rd master’s degree? I’m still working on spelling “bananas” without singing “Hollaback Girl” in my head.
I’ve licked everything so everything is mine now
~ toddlers
First date:
*don’t let her know you’re a tyranosaurus, don’t let her know yo..*
Her: So, what do you do for a liv-
*bites her in half*
squirrels pondering the nature of why they end up on the wire they just jumped from a moment ago
Plumber: I think I found the problem
When a Honda Element crashes into another Honda Element it becomes a Honda Compound.
[child gets stuck in claw machine]
Me: [calls husband] “Hi honey, you’re not going to believe this, but I found us a babysitter for this evening.”
Amazing how each of the kids in Willy Wonka was written to represent a different deadly sin: pride, gluttony, sloth, chewing gum until you become a blueberry, greed, etc.