Every time my daughter drinks juice she says “cheers” so…. no, not looking forward to parent teacher conferences.
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Adult life is constantly saying to your friends let’s do something soon and suddenly 6 months have gone by
Wrapping gifts and one kid has more than the other so to even it up I hope she likes this bag of potatoes.
When I had no money, I had few friends, but no enemies
Btw, I still have no money, in case you were thinking of becoming my friend or enemy
WTF IS THAT!
High school never prepared me for how many times I would have to fix a toilet when I grew up.
To test my sobriety, my husband asked me to name our 3 children. I said, “Didn’t we do that when they were born?”
[dinner theater]
Me: babe relax it’s just a play it’s supposed to be fun
Waiter: *winks* table or booth
Abe Lincoln, reincarnated: OK WHAT THE HELL
Freak parents out on Facebook by posting, “Just read a health article about how a camera flash causes diabetes in kids under the age of 10.”
A good way to break up with a girl is to leave her a trail of rose petals starting from her front door to North Korea.
It’s Friday after 2, setting automatic replies in outlook to just say “Chimichanga” with no further explanation.
When I was at the Dollar Store, I saw this cat food called “Alley Cat” and all I could think was with a name like that why not save yourself a buck and just feed your cat out of the trashcan?
inmate: hey man why so sad
me: my mom brought me a cake but the warden made me share it with everyone
inmate: didn’t you get a piece though?
me: not the one with the file in it
righty-tighty and lefty-loosey.
– factory defect men’s underwear
i asked my 4 yr old niece if she wanted a baby brother or sister and she replied she just wanted pizza rolls
My date was all ‘next time come to my place and I’ll cook you some food in my air fryer’ and I was like ‘lol sure and I’ll play you some songs on my air guitar’ and then she was like ‘I need to see other people’.
If someone says they like something, responding with “You would” is a highly efficient put-down. In just two words, you’ve implied that a) the thing they like sucks, and b) they have predictably bad taste. Work smarter, not harder.
“I love Worcestershire sauce.”
“What’s so special about it?”
“It’s hard to say.”
anyone who’s put together Ikea furniture knows damn well why they call it a hex wrench
I have no fear of my family pulling the plug on me if I ever go on life support because I know how much they love wasting electricity
Getting a dog will not solve all your emotional problems. For that you need four dogs.
Breaking: It’s snowing where some people live and not snowing where other people live. More about this in 10 minutes on Facebook News.
Don’t send me back to bed if you don’t want me sneaking out again.
~My 8 year old, trying out a new tactic
welcome to your parents’ house, where the wifi password is fEtbqP2LVp3U6Hkh
Stop screaming! I thought you’d appreciate having someone to pass you a towel when you got out of the shower
You know those lines you see painted on parking lots? I know this will come as a shock to some of you, but you’re supposed to park between them.
“please feel free to ignore this email” way ahead of you buddy
I saw my ex getting beaten up by half a dozen thugs.
For a second, I thought, “Should I help?”
Then I thought, “No…6 should be enough.”
5:32 pm “I don’t need a cart. I’m just picking up a few things.”
5:38 pm: Struggling to the self checkout with a watermelon, a 12-pack & a turkey balanced on a four-foot stack of Cap’n Crunch & Cheez Its.
The Sun’s probably Asian.