So many things changing daily.
For example, now DTF stands for Don’t Touch my Face.
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I’m not a 10. I’m more like two 5s held together by cheese and chocolate.
We cut open the cake at the gender reveal party and out spill thousands of fire ants. The guests howl. FIRE ANTS ARE MOSTLY MALE, I explain
I fought the law* and the law* won.
*duvet cover
Me: I’m gonna renovate the house once I get my promotion. After that, kids maybe?
Date: Are you still talking about The Sims?
Me: Of course.
Me: *practicing selfie poses in the gym mirror*
Trainer: Ma’am, are you having a stroke?
Caesar salads are prepared differently than garden salads…Notably, the head of lettuce is first attacked by 40-50 knife-wielding senators.
[spider party]
black widow: oh yeah looks like there are lots of edible bachelors here
Saw the baby talking to the air so I’m immediately moving and leaving her behind. I’ve seen this movie before
If I have a son, he’s going to be named Alvin Simon Theodore, and it’ll be funny as hell whenever anyone gets mad and yells his full name.
I’m just going to say it: I don’t think Arkham Asylum has good security.
“So, is there a MRS. A-Z?” – Lady hitting on Jason Mraz
How about the people in fast food commercials look like they actually eat fast food?
Me: Would you have a minute to speak about my lord and savior, nachos supreme?
Her: Sir, for the last time just tell me your order.
[interrogation]
ME: I’ll only answer questions if that officer over there starts kissing my face
COP: Again, the police dog isn’t an officer
[etching on stone tablets] oh and another thing
When the DJ asks if we are ready to party I sometimes lie & say yes even though I really need like 10 min to get ready
#1: Too many people still answer the phone like they don’t know who’s calling.
What do you call a denim expert?
A jeanius.
*draws chalk outline around my VISA card*
If you find your cat reading a book titled “To Serve Man,” I’m just going to warn you right now, those are recipes. Cats aren’t servants.
bank robber: fine one question
me: who would you say is your favorite hostage
Being married to me:
Pros: you’re married
Cons: to me
Behind every successful woman is a Man who let her down.
I lost 6 hours of sleep last night, lying in bed wondering if Muppets get haircuts.
If there’s no God, why are feet naturally shoe-shaped?
My son continued to wear his earbuds shopping with me after I told him not to so he didn’t hear me say I was leaving.
Hope he finds a ride home.
DOG 911: What’s your emer-
DOG: HE THREW A BALL BUT I CAN’T FIND IT
DOG 911: He still holding it?
DOG: YES! HOW’D HE FETCH IT BEFORE ME??
[On a date]
Me: I want to be buried under a large oak tree, give my body back to the earth
Him: that’s so sweet
Me: no I mean right now