Waking up would be much easier if I didn’t have to do it so many days in a row.
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God: welcome to heaven!
Me: but i didn’t believe in you.
God: yeah i get that a lot.
Me: so… we’re all good then?
God: lmao no I just wanted to do this *reaches for lever*
5: Unicorns aren’t real.
13: Where do you think glitter comes from?
10: And if unicorns didn’t sneeze we wouldn’t have slime either.
Big Sisters: the original fake news source
satan: welcome slaves to your eternal damnation.
dad: can someone turn on the ac its as hot as hell in here.
satan:…
dad: sorry i dont want to get “fired” the first day on the job.
satan:…
dad: im going to super hell arent i.
satan: youre going to super hell.
*Leans head up to wife as I’m dying*
Me: My only regret is…
*Coughs loudly*
Me: …not having something cooler to say as I die.
*Dies*
I like to go the extra mile and then not come back.
My face is very symmetrical…over the x-axis 🙁
Movember is over, so this week anyone looking like a pedophile is actually a pedophile.
Me too, bag. Me too….
“Why are these little movies interrupting my movie?”
My kid, experiencing broadcast television and its commercials for the first time.
Just warning the studios that if we don’t start making shows, they’re not gonna have anything to reboot in 8-12 years.
No, please continue to talk loudly on the phone, smoke & spit next to my table. No problem! I’m just going to follow you home and kill you.
I’m voting for Bernie Sanders based all on the fact that His fried chicken rules
Not to be a Scrooge, but if you play or even hum along with Christmas music before December 10, you should be sent to a concentration camp.
Me: *doesn’t get enough sleep, takes an afternoon nap to make up for it*
My body: well look what you did now we have to stay awake until 3
My mother: A high forehead is a sign of intelligence.
Me: What does that even mea—
My mother: You have a low forehead.
ME: you really put the cute in executione-
WARDEN: alright hit the switch
If hackers really wanted to scare us they would post all of our deleted selfies instead of stealing our financial info
Now I’m no fresh daisy, I’ve been around the block, but what is kissing
Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?
Me: Wow. Nobody’s ever asked me that.
Interviewer: Take a minute to th-
Me: Arendelle.
*Brings a hammer to a thumb war.*
12: Alexa is so annoying! I have to say everything 5 times before she does what I want her to do.
Me, looking at the full garbage that I asked my son to take out 4 times: I know the feeling.
Homosexuals please help me. I think my hamsters are gay. How do I let them know it’s okay?
Friend: You have guacamole on your face.
Me: *wipes it off with finger, smears it on her cheek*
You have guacamole on your face.
My wife: I just gave myself a pedicure in record time!
Me: Impressive feet!
According to science, the most stressful events for an adult are:
-Divorce
-Death of a close family member
-Personal injury or illnessAnd the most stressful events for a kid are:
-Bedtime
-Dad cut the sandwich into rectangles not triangles
-“He’s copying me”
Be the reason why church doors slam shut as you walk by.
Imagine any 5 white people walking up to you being like “we’re imagine dragons” . You have no choice but to believe them.
You’d think I’d lose weight just from carrying around this extra 40 pounds wherever I go.
Things that are terrifying:
A snake on my hike
Clowns
My 3yo saying: ‘member your dark red lipstick that I like to draw with?
Dad: It’s atomic number is 26. Oh, and it’s chemical symbol is FE
Son: Wow! How do you know so much about iron?
Dad: Well it’s in my blood