Me: I was bitten by a Karen at Starbucks, will I become a Werekaren!?
ER Dr: No, we’ll just need to..
Me: I WANT TO SPEAK TO YOUR MANAGER!
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ME: haha when your mask is down it looks like a chinstrap beard
HER: what mask
ME: oh
Did you know?
Salmon swim upstream through intense water rapids to mate, lay eggs, then die. They leave their young to fend for themselves.
[Looks at my kids fighting over a piece of lint]
I think salmon have the right idea.
Shades by Gucci, shirt by Dolce&Gabbana, face by Douchebag.
I followed this woman on a bike with an empty baby seat for a half a mile yelling, “your baby jumped out!” before she gave me the finger.
It’s good to know that if I’m ever being interrogated, a mosquito bite on the back of my ankle is what would finally break me.
mike wazowski: *rubs lamp*
genie: *emerging* what’s your first wish?
mike wazowski: i want revenge on pixar for giving me one eye
genie: *looks at the lamp*
lamp: *jumps on the pixar’s i*
genie: i for an eye 🙂
I can’t get you off of my mind. I need you inside of me now. C’mere, and let me devour you.
-me, to my cheese and crackers.
Coworker: What was your college major?
Me: How to avoid student-loan debt, with a minor in teen pregnancy.
I left a note for my kids this morning to put my clothes in the dryer. Next time, I’ll have to be a little more specific and add START THE DRYER TOO!!!
I bet someone said “Do what makes you happy” to Hitler too.
It’s the cat’s birthday today, so we made sure to do some of his favourite things, like birdwatching, eating my houseplants, and shooting a few rounds of pool.
“My great-grandma went to jail for making moonshine” was probably not the family history topic my son’s teacher expected.
I bought a formal gown simply because it had pockets.
My daughter, filling out a college app, called me at home to get my home number. Big shout out to the ex-wife for pissing in my gene pool.
I’ve decided to go back to meeting someone the old-fashioned way, through alcohol and poor judgment.
Next time you feel like judging someone, remember that the German guy who used Craigslist to find a victim to dismember and cannibalize is a vegetarian now. People CAN change.
Alanis Morissette sings about having 10,000 spoons when all she needs is a knife. And nobody asks why she has 10,000 spoons?
If the kids can’t find something I say “I think it’s in the car” then I sit in the car for 10 minutes on my own pretending to look for it
Parent level: expert
Me: You are NOT alone in this pandemic.
Wife: *on the toilet* I really wish I were.
Every night, as I scoop the clumps of waste from the litter box, I wonder to myself what it would be like to have a cat.
I was blinded by a goddamn deer with a shiny red nose… No, officer, I haven’t been drinking
I have got to start making popcorn before I login to Twitter to watch my shows
The thin membrane under the shell of a boiled egg is what’s left of the rooster’s broken condom, and that was my Dad’s sex talk. I’ll always remember that Easter.
jehovah’s witness: do you have a few minutes to talk about jesus?
me (hates gossip): no
Gandalf in the streets, Frodo Baggins in the sheets
sleeper makes drafting your fantasy team easy👇
Teenager: *eats three corn dogs and a row of Chips Ahoy* mom what’s for dinner
when you gotta take the souls of the damned to the underworld, but need to reduce your carbon footprint
Toys ‘R Us pulled Breaking Bad figures because the characters sold drugs, but continue to sell Darth Vader ones, and he blew up a planet.
Me, dressed as Zeus: Release the kraken!
Son, *from his holding cell*: Just bail me out. Why are you like this?