Hell hath no fury like a toddler who wanted his peanut butter and jelly sandwich cut into triangles until you cut it into triangles
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if u wanna date me all u gotta do is ask and i’ll say no
my new hobby
creating totally reasonable units that somehow upset people
– kiloLiters
– megameters
– milliinches
Him: Did you make a New Years resolution?
Me: Yeah, I’m gonna be more patient with idiots
Him: Great! How’s it going?
Me: *very deep breath* so so
Police: How are you feeling?
Me: I’m fine.
*polygraph explodes*
*sinks into depression*
Depression: “Wrong hole.”
Indian Brothers & Sisters: You know all those awful things Columbus did to the Native Americans? Just remember…HE WAS LOOKING FOR US
[ten seconds into tv interview where my identity is being protected]
camera guy: don’t try to disguise your own voice, let the machine do it
It took me 13 years but I finally deleted most of my e-mails.
No
one
yums like Gaston
Eats iced plums like Gaston
Knows you saved them but craves them, succumbs like Gaston
Life with a cat in one tweet
Girls on Facebook call it, “The Walk of Shame.”
Girls on Twitter call it, “The Strut of Satisfaction”
[meeting]
Boss: What do you think?
Me: I think we need to get out in front of this. If we’re not on top of it, it will roll over us and we’ll never get out from under it. Can everybody get behind that?
Boss: You’re not allowed to talk anymore.
Yet another day I failed to wake up as a giant cockroach
[being interrogated for my involvement in a bank heist]
COP 1: give us a name
ME: big bird
COP 2: a real name
ME: millard fillmore
COP 1: no you idiot, someone you know
ME: nana
Enter password:
“ScoobyDoo”
sorry password must contain a special character
ScoobydooFeaturingBatman
religion? um, ha, no. i’m not really into the idea of letting a set of ancient rules dictate my life. plus, pisces aren’t usually religious
4 year old twins that dress alike: aww that’s cute
40 year old twins that dress alike: ok knock that shit off it’s kinda creepy.
This could be us, but you weedin’.
Always give 100%
unless you’re donating blood.
My husband just said “Do I look stupid to you?” Is this a trick question because it really feels like a trick question.
Blowing your load on a girl counts as a baby shower right ?
Husband: We need to cut back on spending for January. Just stick to the necessities, you know?
Me: *placing an order for snow boots for the dogs* absolutely
I’ve stopped drinking for good. I only drink for evil now.
It doesn’t come up often in the movie, but one weapon we have against Predator is a handful of glitter
I wore a Not All Who Wander Are Lost t-shirt to church, and they still asked what I was doing in the fellowship pantry during services.
me: time to hit the hay
wife: you’re going to bed?
me: no i just really *clenches fists* hate hay
Sometimes in the middle of eating a rotisserie chicken I ask myself “did I just run a red light?”
[heaven]
ME: so about those footprints…
GOD: footprints?
ME: from when you carried me
GOD: wasn’t me
ME: well then who—
GOD: *shivers* that’s some spooky shit
6 months ago I made a commitment to myself to get healthy and today I’m still fat because I didn’t do any of it.