❤Missed connection❤
You were the street magician who pointed at me and asked me to shout out the name of a card
I was the guy in the red shirt who panicked and shouted out “PIKACHU” whilst you rolled your eyes
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Told my 8yo he had to go outside and play for awhile before he was allowed to play more playstation
He refused because, “That’s bribery, Dad!” 😂
Know why Norway puts barcodes on their naval ships?
so when they return to port they can…
Scandinavian…
Want air conditioning on the shuttle bus? Open a window, Your Majesty.
My dad would freak tf out!🤣💀
The only thing worse than watching a 30-minute cartoon is not watching it then listening to your kid’s 45-minute recap.
[wakes up & turns to wife]
“I had a nightmare. You died.”
“Aw. It was just a-”
“Let me finish. You died & I had to make my breakfast.”
got three hours sleep & i fell great! seems li the less less sleep I get the move alarr et u ambdcim
I’m a go getter
And right now I’m a go getter nap
Watched golf for two hours
before realizing that
the TV was off.
Once I ate 32 consecutive flavorless oreos before realizing they were checkers
New machine at the gym is weird. I cant figure out the sets but for a dollar it gives me a Snickers when I hit E4.
Party Tip:
At a 3-year-old’s birthday party, you can piss all over the bathroom. ALL OVER!!!! Nobody will suspect you.
Dreams won’t chase you back, but Canadian geese sure as hell will.
Me: I look like shit today.
Shit: you wish buddy.
I hate when my dog watches me pick up his shit, I feel like his bitch.
The book I checked out of the library is so stained and gross, it looks like someone used it recently to deliver a foal.
[Marriage Counseling]
Wife: He’s always messing up even the simplest phrases.
Me: I THOUGHT we were gonna keep that on the download…
Friend: what are you doing for VD?
Me: taking antibiotics and drinking cranberry juice
Friend: Valentine’s Day…
Me, leaning in: taking antibiotics and drinking cranberry juice
It should cost $87 to leave someone a voicemail.
me: you died in poverty
clone of nikola tesla: damn
me: but now the world recognizes your genius
tesla: ha I guess so, look at this car with my name on it
me: ok so remember when I called this a “good news sandwich”?
I still don’t understand why we are supposed to eat the tampon afterwards
Some coworkers reheated lunch smells like it’s about to go missing in my stomach.
There’s a “Restore All” button on the paper shredder, right?
iPods will never teach kids to be ready to jump over sofas to push the “Rec” button on the tape deck when your song comes on.
…a dentist on a toothpaste commercial with stethoscope around neck…, if my dentist started to listen to my heart I would freak out.
I ran over someone and now there’s a bunch of flowers where it happened. It’s like, I came back to apologize, not be lavished with gifts
Kevin Hart 🤣🤣🤣
Wife: I had a terrible night’s sleep. Tossed and turned. Couldn’t get comfortable. It’s only 6 AM and I’m in such a horrible mood already. How did you sleep?
Me [who slept 8 straight hours and didn’t get up once to pee]: Same.
<Morgue>
Me:*gasping sob* That’s her. I’d recognize that Boner Garage tattoo anywhere. Oh, Grandma.