What I say and what I mean are three different things.
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Friday
There are two sides to every story and I’m usually wrong in both.
Me and my 4yo tried to high five each other for like 5 min which shows we are both very determined but also very very uncoordinated.
On one hand, eating meat is bad for your body, bad for animals and bad for the earth. On the other hand, bacon.
The pillow is my all-time favorite soft, fluffy, comfortable murder weapon.
Not to brag, but I’m NOT going to buy a fitness machine, like a Peloton, only to have it turn into a clothing rack.
I’m going to eat until I reach the point where I, myself, am the large, stationary clothing rack in the corner of a room.
Follow me for more recipes
how to achieve the perfect smokey eye: apply eyeliner yesterday
Hubs: I think we should buy a new camper.
Me: What’s the matter with you? You’re just gonna say that right in front of my phone?
*Facebook timeline turns into solid camper ads*
My walk of shame is leaving a handicapped restroom stall while trying not to make eye contact with the wheelchair guy who was waiting on me.
just stood up and my knee popped so loudly my neighbor’s dog barked in case Marvel or DC is looking for a new superhero franchise
comedy isn’t about making people laugh. it’s about asking people in the front row, who politely sat there despite not wanting to, what their favorite sexual position is and then mocking them regardless of their answer before posting that interaction on every conceivable platform
It’s my Roomba’s birthday so I’m bringing him to the beach and I’m just gonna let him go crazy
girlfriend: I’ll have the chef’s salad
me: [whispering] babe that’s so rude, just order your own
I bought a safe. Then I had to store the key, so I bought another safe. Then another for that key. See, this is how Big Safe gets you.
Me five minutes ago: I’m not sure what the United Kingdom is
Me now: very good result in Newcastle Central, bodes poorly for the Tories
Puts myself out there
Puts myself back bc wtfff
[Morgue]
Cop: Sir, I know it’s tough but we need you to ID the bodyMe looking at corpse: *takes deep breath* Are—are you over 21?
pros and cons of being the last person alive on earth, according to my 8 year old:
con: loneliness
pro: every dog on the planet now belongs to you
I’m giving up being Catholic for Lent.
I saw a horse last week and didn’t immediately say ‘horse” but it finally came out today in the middle of an important meeting and everyone thought I was brain storming
imagine your credit card gets declined at the hospital and they put your appendix back in
me: It’s raining so we have to run to the car, ok?
toddler: Ok
me:
toddler:
me: You gotta let me open the door before you start running
toddler *rubbing his head* Ok
Fear not, ugly caterpillar. For one day you will become a beautiful butterfly
[emerges from cocoon]
AH WTF I’M A MOTH THIS IS BULLSHIT
Don’t push me, I’ve seen EVERY episode of Forensic Files.
Subway sandwich employee said he wears the gloves “cuz the meat stings.”
My kid’s latest drawing. Guys, should I be disturbed? I am disturbed.
A woman just asked me to “unpark her car” and now I’m searching urban dictionary to see what I really just agreed to do
Everyone shut up, my 1st grader is telling me a 30-minute long story about how Laberham Lincoln got shot.
Customer: you don’t want to see me when I’m mean
Me: I don’t want to see you when you’re happy either!