I’m 20, my face is 18, my voice is 16, my back is 60 🥲.
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ps5 is how I abbreviate pspspspsps
Ex (trying to make me jealous): I’m going to a party, everyone’s drinking, laughing, and having fun!
Me: that’ll all stop once you show up
I love Buzzfeed because all the headlines are something a drunk girl would say right before passing out. “Um did you know corgis can wink??”
They said no texting while driving but they never said anything about giving four ferrets a nice bubble bath
Quitting the gym because it’s easier, quicker and cheaper to simply invite my friends over for dinner every day and make them fatter than me
so I’m driving back from the shops and I see someone walking a corgi, and it’s pretty quiet so obviously I pull over to say hi, because, you know, corgi, and lads I had fully parked the car and gotten out before I realised
that the person was my husband and the corgi is my corgi
You know the best side effect of losing weight? Supersonic hearing. I can hear the crinkle of a candy wrapper or bag of chips through walls.
A smartphone that waits 20 seconds after you unlock before showing you notification indicators so it doesn’t distract you from going to do the thing you opened it for in the first place for so long you forget what it was.
I just danced like no Juan was watching, but he totally was and he cut off the tequila then threw me out of his restaurant you guys.
6: Is google a number? My friend told me it was
Me: No buddy, it’s not, your friend doesn’t know anything
Husband: Actually, googol IS a number so who’s the one who doesn’t know any-
Me:
H: Your mom is very smart
A perfectionist walked into a bar. Apparently it wasn’t set high enough.
My favorite thing is when there’s not enough time in therapy to bring something to conclusion and you’re just sent home with all your unearthed trauma and demons like ok cool see you next week stay hydrated
<enter password>
me
<password is too short>
meonstilts
<password must have at least one special character>
meandbatmanonstilts
“Alice, Barbara, Carol, Diane…”
– me, when my doctor suggested I put my affairs in order
– Will you donate your organs when you die?
– No, I will not do anything when I die. I will be dead.
Trains are cancelled cause of the wind, but uni expects me to still come in??? What makes them think I’m stronger than a train
I WILL HUNT YOU DOWN AND FIND YOU and cuddle you softly.
Oh you “like women?” Cool, name three of their early works.
Some people can never, ever admit they’re wrong. I’m not one of them though I was definitely wrong about you
We never dreamed that one day we’d sit at work and use our phones to spy on our mailmen with our doorbells.
I heard that Amazon is scrapping Alex, the new male version of Alexa it was developing. They couldn’t stop it from saying “I don’t know, ask Alexa”.
This married couple was eating dinner, he meant to ask his wife for salt, but What came out was, I hate you stupid Bitch you ruined my life
Dog people always act like dogs are so much better than cats but as a cat person just wanna say that you never see cats working with the cops
People on here admitted to not having an inner monologue and I thought that was wild because I have an entire executive board in my head with members that have voting powers
my dad: [rising up from behind couch]
the new ppl that live in that house now: wtf
LIFE HACK: solve every murder mystery by being the murderer
Psst, hey wake-up, why are there no Oreos in your pantry?
Are dinosaurs finished evolving into birds yet? Or will they become even birdier?
Friends are like bananas.
If you peel their skin and eat them, they will die.
Running after, screaming for my baby, as the jar of mayo rolls under the counter