I can’t imagine the things this hotel air conditioner has seen.
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saying monkeys r ur favorite animal is basically saying u like a shorter, hairier version of urself who can only communicate by screaming
Judge: I sentence you to life in prison
Defendant: NOOOO MY ONLINE PRESENCE
I ate a kids meal at Wendy’s
his mom was furious
Instill fear in your spouse by telling them they talk in their sleep.
If twitter ends I guess I’ll just mail my tweets to Reader’s Digest like I used to.
Personal Trainer: Do you run?
Me: Only into people and places I’d rather not be.
*full moon emerges from behimd clouds*
nno–nonono it cant be…RUN. FAR AWAY FROM ME. NOW. IM A– IM A–
*turns into bungalow*
IM A WAREHOUSE
lot of the younger folks won’t know this but if you yanked hard enough on a land line telephone you could pull the phone out of the person’s hand that you were talking to
I just felt a weird twitching somewhere inside me. I think it might be my liver waving a white flag.
What’s it called when you fall in love with your captors, even if they’re obnoxious little tyrants?
No, no, not Stockholm Syndrome.
Ah, yes… “parenting”
That’s the word.
I turned to her and said “We’re all just seeking validation, aren’t we?” She just ignored me, stamped my parking ticket, and handed it back.
This cashier is a moron
-Me at self checkout
wife: I’m having a baby.
me: *handing menu back to waiter* I’ll have a baby as well.
Hey, did you guys know you can do just about anything if you use asterisks?
*rides T-Rex off into the sunset*
Me: I weigh 10x more than the cat and yet she trusts me completely. So sweet.
You:
Me:
You: It’s a lot more than 10x.
Me: Don’t ruin this.
Every time I steal lunch from the office fridge I can’t help but think, I wish my coworkers would pack larger lunches.
MY CAT (checking her watch urgently): 3:30am? oh heavens I was almost late for parkouring loudly about the house
🤣✨#caturday
Whenever someone says, “that’s what she said”, I like to reply with, “not to you”
Back in the day my parents wanted me to marry only one of my own.
Now they’re like “That orangutan looks nice. That elephant looks smart.”
“Sorry I didn’t reply to your email Terry, a wolf ripped my hands off… Oh these? Um, I got new hands? Gotta go!”
I’m not saying you can solve everything with cake but I’m also saying you shouldn’t at least try to solve everything with cake.
Enable location? Seriously, Twitter? Have you met some of these folks?
3 days ago I put a sign on my door that said “I’ll be back in 20 minutes”.
Nobody has bothered me since and I’m never taking it down.
She wasn’t matching our energy so I had to fix it for her 🙄😂
Her: “What an ugly baby”
Him: “My baby is NOT ugly!”
Her: “So, who’s baby is this?”
your emcee name is DJ + the last thing you spent money on, DJ Kitty Litter IN THA HOUUUUSE
BOUNCER: *checking ID* this doesn’t look like you
CATERPILLAR: *adjusts makeshift wings* its me
B: oh yeah? Fly then
C: uh *starts sweating*
Who called it a “Monk that can dunk” instead of an “Air Friar?”
[courtroom]
Timothy: I was not involved
Victor: Nor was I
Lawyer: You could say it was a Vic-, Tim-less cri-
Judge: You’re all going to jail