[CSI at Starbucks]
“Ma’am you’ve been robbed. Suspect is at large.”
Barista: At what?
“At large”
At what?
“At venti?”
OMG HOW AWFUL!!!
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Me: I have nothing to say
Also me: AND ANOTHER THING
I hate when friends send me home with leftovers in plastic containers. “Here, you throw this food away and then clean the containers.”
ME: is this the soup of the day
WAITER: it’s an aquarium
ME: ok I’ll have that
You don’t need to buy an expensive exercise machine. Just do what I did and get a bean bag chair.
I told my 4yo daughter to believe in herself because she can be anything she wants to be so now she’s busy preparing for her future life as a dinosaur
*Viewing apartments
Estate agent: I know it’s not particularly big but…
Me: Not big?! The only way I’m living here is if it comes with a letter from Hogwarts
Top prank: when your friend falls asleep, place his hand in a bowl of warm water so he wakes up with one regular hand & one wrinkly one.
All I want is a tall, handsome guy with the wit of Deadpool who loves me like Westley, has moves like Antonio Banderas -in anything- the intellect of Sherlock, and the courage of a Viking.
An accent would be a bonus.I really don’t think that’s too much to ask.
[december 31st]
me: I really don’t want toguy who made up that statistic about eating 8 spiders a year: *passing me a bowl* andrew. please.
Sea snails hide in their shells because they are self-conches.
I can’t grow flowers for shit but my old neglected potatoes in a grocery bag in the basement just grew legs and marched up here
I don’t think a lot of people remember the psychological grip Nutella had on the American psyche in the early 2010s… It became its own governing body at one point
Part of me says, “I can’t keep drinking like this.” While another says “Don’t listen to her, she’s drunk.”
“And then we’ll have the throat hole open up and a rectangle candy will drop from it. Kids will love it.” ~ Inventors of Pez dispensers.
Breaking news:
I’m naturally funny because my life is a joke
If you ever think you see Dean Koontz, start chanting koontz-koontz-koontz over and over so if it isn’t him it’ll just look like you’re really into techno and public humiliation.
Gonna pull a Timon & Pumba and start singing a song about not giving a shit at peoples funerals
Trying to figure out if you practice the violin for many hours every day, or if you just have a really bad hickey.
6 months ago I made a commitment to myself to get healthy and today I’m still fat because I didn’t do any of it.
There is a drunk woman on the tube throwing After Eights at everyone and, in the most British way possible, everyone is pretending they aren’t being hit on the head by tiny chocolatey squares (which hurts by the way) and not looking at anyone else in the eye.
Returning to work today
My Boss : “the injured driver returned to work, the driver who put his 2 weeks notice in is gone, the driver we tried to hire to replace him that you were supposed to train failed his drug test”
Me : “and a partridge in a pear tree”
Please send me love and light I went on a walk today and I nodded + smiled politely at someone but they were a Halloween decoration.
If you were the birthday gift I bought my daughter 3 months ago, where would you be hiding?
6-year-old: Santa’s not real.
Me: That’s right.
6: So I can be bad.
Me: That’s wrong.
Seven words literally no one wants to hear from their teenager, ”how much would a new toilet cost?”
Instacart – For when you still want someone to call you from the store about your grocery list but you don’t want to be married to them.
I’ve been taking anti-performance enhancing drugs and according to my life they’re working really well.
when serial killers go for a run do they take the psycho path