I bought a second scale to weigh my first scale so I can show it how it feels.
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[trying something new]
Me: I might mess this up.
Friend: Believe in yourself.
Me (determined): I WILL mess this up.
“We ran out of guacamole so I mashed up one of those worms from the tomato plants and put it on your burrito. It looked kinda the same.”
When I wear those trendy sports bras with a million straps I get stuck in them like a seagull in a six pack ring
Did a crunch. Sprained an ovary.
0/10. Do not recommend.
valentines day should involve piñatas so single people can vent and still get candy lmao
BOSS: I need to see you in my office
ME: *I begrudgingly take off my invisibility cloak* oh alright
Never invite a renegade cop from a 90s action movie over for board game night. They play by their own rules!
he looks great for his age
I’ve been turning my clocks back a minute per day for the last 59 days so this shit is going to be smooth sailing for me, suckers.
Just saw one of those giant centipedes run though my living room so now I’m gunna sleep with a flamethrower and a full metal jacket.
Motivational Speaker: “There’s a Lion In Everybody!!”
The Lion In Me:
*brings knife to gunfight*
*knife used to cut pizza*
*pizza served & differences resolved*
*last slice up for grabs & gunfight ensues*
My life is a rollercoaster. There’s a lot of sitting down and screaming.
Not one single dinosaur in Oppenheimer.
Me: What do you call sex in December?
Wife: Don’t say it.
Me: …
W: …
Me: Wintercourse.
W: (to judge) See this is why I need a divorce.
Taco Bell doesn’t have a playground because kids that eat Taco Bell can’t climb, or run.
This train was so long I had time to file my nails and my taxes.
Them: Welcome to the anti-giraffe club! We hate them. No talking about them. No impersonations. Any questions?
Me: *raises hand*
Them: Get out.
😅🤣😂
I was at Asda today and a child was misbehaving so his mother pointed at me saying “if you don’t stop he’s gonna take you away” like wtf no im not
How many situps do I have to do before I get a 6 pack? Please say 5.
I think the government looks at Twitter and thinks ‘This is WAY cheaper than Asylums’
You mean you can actually put the cork back in a wine bottle?
Hahahaa WHY!!??
If you pretend you’re skimming you can straight up throw rocks at people.
I quit smoking cold turkey 1 year ago but sometimes I still get the urge to go into fridge and light up a slice
Me: how are you?
Toddler: shitty.
Me: I hear that.
Toddler: can you change me?
Me: I can try but happiness comes from within.
Wife: HIS DIAPER YOU IDIOT.
Beauty is in the eye of the beholder but sometimes you really need beer googles.
Allergies right now are life’s way of playing “PSYCH”.
Screw you haters who are honking at me as I tweet, paint my nails, and drive. You’re just jealous that I can multitask.
a fun wedding bit is to sit next to a random guest, point to the bride or groom & whisper, “it should’ve been you”