Me: I’ll get a cappuccino and a furtado
Barista: What’s a furtado?
Me: It’s like a bird
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I’m at the “my 7 yr old gave himself a hickey on his arm” part of the parenting journey.
Hashtag blessed.
if you want more reason to fell in love with Hozier, remember he said this:
me: why do you think my parents don’t love me?
therapist: they’re pretty clear about it in the group chat
me: the what
Zelda is the name of the PRINCESS, the guy in green who saves her is named Luigi, idiots.
I think we should hear other voices.
*I see my life flash before my eyes
*it pauses to buffer
Me: I don’t want to dwell on that.
My brain: OK, let’s put a pin in it and circle back later. Is 3 a.m. good for you?
When I first went on the pill, I put on a bit of weight. Which proved to be a very effective contraceptive.
Hot waitresses give me anxiety. I don’t need some babe rolling up on me while I’m jamming food in my face.
Why’s it called Death On The Nile and not Murder She Boat
I was really upset today but then a friend said “don’t be upset” so now I’m not upset anymore
*Ghost Jail
Ghost 1: What’re you in for?
Ghost 2: Posession
Ghost 1: Nice
Yeah, well, I didn’t exactly want to be late for work today either but it’s not like hot wings can shave themselves out of chest hair.
Scientists: You’re all going to die. The Earth is doomed. Life is pointless.
Also: We spent millions on a woolly mammoth meatball no one can eat.
Me: somebody stole my stapler
HR: you’re working from home
Make your first kiss more memorable by letting them know about your sci-fi themed weapon collection moments before your lips touch.
[bug school]
TEACHER: okay class, who knows the first 2 letters of the alphabet
A BEE: *proudly raises hand*
Registering the death of my Uncle Arthur at the coroners office and when asked for the deceased’s name, I replied “A. Smith” The coroner then asked ” A for?”, to which I replied “Apple”. I”ve never lived it down and my wife constantly brings it up over 30 years later.
I forgot to pack my perfume, but happened upon some air freshener. Judging by the compliments I’ve gotten, I’m wearing Air Wick from now on.
I like how we say “vegan” now instead of “eating disorder”.
About to go for a run, because shoplifting
2020: I’m so glad I stayed home. That coughing guy had COVID and made everyone sick.
2021: I hope that coughing guy doesn’t have COVID that will make me sick.
2022: I hope that coughing guy has COVID but the same variant that I had last month so he won’t make me sick.
Thinking about writing my own eulogy because I don’t want my loved ones saying I’m a control freak.
wasn’t it like… bad on that boat?
If I ever have to have heart surgery I hope my fridge busts in and stares into open me for ten minutes hoping to see something good
Me: is it ok if we have sex right now
Girlfriend: yes, also thanks for asking
Me: yeah consent is important, don’t u agree
Mom, also at the dinner table: absolutely, you’re such a gentleman
Screw you, targeted Facebook ad for adult diapers!
*thinks about not having to pause TV or games*
*orders some*
Having now listened to the entire song, I have to say there’s some obvious internal disagreement as to what the Hokey Pokey is all about
I don’t understand all the fuss about ChatGPT – I have teenagers who already know everything
UK rappers be like “I’ve got a posh flat and my bird is very comely, I own more motors than the marchioness of cholmondeley”