Fighting on twitter be like 🤣
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Instead of sending a letter in a bottle, go one step further. Bottle up all your feelings, then throw yourself out into the ocean.
My daughter just said “my friends all think you’re cool but I know you’re not.” Like WTF man I was just sitting there minding my business
writer: I’m so good at beginnings but never can finish strong
writers wife: *under her breath* ain’t that the truth
During lockdown, while many other artists are doing mini-concerts from their homes, I thought I’d do you all a favour and not.
My neighbor is louder than a spinning dryer drum full of loose change on a groaning container ship being ripped apart by rogue waves.
[at daycare]
Me: I’m here to pick up my son
Daycare: what’s he look like?
Me: *points to my face*
D: oh. Ok
SOMEONE LEFT. A FULL PLATE OF COOKIES. AND A GLASS OF MILK. RIGHT BY THE FIREPLACE FOR ME. I AM NOT KIDDING. WHAT A NIGHT
My weather app just says, “Oh no.” I wonder what that means?
Me: Of all my kids, you’re my favorite
12: I’m your only kid
Me: Well that attitude won’t keep you in the top spot for long
[first day as a human being] wow there are a lot of us, this seems promising 🙂 it appears that we’re all in this togeth-
Randomly covering one eye for long periods of time so people think I’m part of that cult
Due to a shortage of coloured paper, I am having to dismantle all my origami animals. I’ll let you know how it all unfolds.
I wish Kristen from finance would tell us her husband was an “attorney” one more time so I could feel better about shitting in her purse.
[leaving the inventor of the piñata’s funeral] good lord
Women who say giving birth is painful, obviously never watched YouTube with a 7 year old.
“Florida is insane.” Bro, we ain’t even trying right now. Imagine how powerful we would be if we all had dental insurance.
I moved to this city ten years ago with just the clothes on my back. I soon learned that I’d also need some clothes for my front. City people aren’t as open minded as you’d think.
You think 2020 is bad, wait till 2025 when the Murder Ladybugs invade.
For the record, riding my unicycle to the bank robbery was a terrible idea.
Me: “Can I leave work half an hour early?”
Boss: “Only if you make up the time.”
“OK. It’s 35 past 50.”
Boss: “Just go..”
How Animals React To Smoke
DEER: Bounds away.
MOLE: Retreats to deep tunnel.
BEES, WHO LIVE IN A HOME MADE OF ACTUAL CANDLE WAX: Naptime!
at least 60% of our marriage is saying “come look at the dog”
People are always terrified of child birth, but they should be scared of the 18 years that follow. Those have to be done without pain meds.🥴
*takes the high road*
*gets altitude sickness*
my dad once complained about “coming home from a long day at work and having to eat on a paper plate” so my mom served him dinner in a solo cup the next day and we all ate like we didn’t notice
ME: where’s Jim
GUY: your guess is as good as mi—
ME: the moon
GUY: ok no
This headline is a thing of beauty
Me: …. Dog: … Me: …. Dog: … Me: … Dog: … Me: …. Dog: … Me: … Dog: … Me: … Dog: have the shrooms kicked-in yet? Me: ..
Any real fan knows the T in Thor is silent.
“I now pronounce you lunch and dinner.”