My superpower is destroying the neighbors living room from 100 yards with nothing but her cat and my laser pointer.
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Him: I just had sex with that woman!
Me: She’s 60.
Him: I know.
Me: I Hope you used protection or you might have caught osteoporosis.
I adopted a rock.
He just sits there and does nothing all day.
It still beats raising Kylo.
Do not tell a kid you didn’t understand his joke unless you have 4 hours free to hear the explanation.
I’m at the point where my mind thinks I’m 29, my knees suggests I’m 80, and my back wonders why I’m not dead yet.
New App Matches You With Others In Vicinity Who Wasted $2.99 On Same App
cop: we’re investigating the disappearance of your neighbor
me: i don’t know where dave is
cop: how did you know it was dave
[ups guy walks up] got an order for a human sized hamster wheel
Hey ladies, if you want a free pelvic exam, I suggest you try the old “gyne and dash.”
Welcome to the dark side.
We have….Well, we can’t see what we have. It’s dark.
We’re about two years from funerals starting and ending with, “don’t forget to like, share and subscribe.”
[Calls number written on my windshield with lipstick]
Hi, you left your number on my car. Who’s going to clean this?
I hate when I see a friend and wave all excited but they just keep being a jar of peanut butter.
🎶Somebody once told me the world was gonna roll me🎶
SECRET SOCIETY OF WORLD ROLLERS: Who talked?!
*pets your eyebrows*
there, there caterpillar; everything will be ok
interviewer: this resume looks great but can you perform under pressure
vanilla ice: *squinting* no
I worked out which made me so hungry I ate a wheel of cheese, in case you’re wondering how my new healthy lifestyle is going
[tries a new move during sex to keep things interested]
wife: did you just dab
The best and most reliable advice I can offer is add bacon.
[chatting up a man in camouflage pants]
Where’d you get those tree legs, garden boy
*overheard in women’s bathroom*
I think there’s a guy in here.
It’s kinda neat how every chick you reply to is into celibacy
I was very disappointed when I found out drinking alcohol doesn’t actually kill brain cells, I was hoping to join a political party one day.
Three men are on a boat
They have four cigarettes but nothing to light them with.
So?
So they throw one cigarette overboard and the boat becomes a cigarette lighter.
My 7YO: (eats a triple ice cream cone, rides a pony, swims with dolphins, gets a new video game) mom, can I have this candy car?
Me: Wait til after dinner
Him: THIS IS THE WORST DAY EVER!
Whenever I mess up an experiment I just think of what a pigeon considers a successful nest
People stick up those “Baby on Board” signs as if their infant is somehow more precious than my 4-foot travel bong.
If your taco gets arrested what do you need to bring to the jail?
Taco bail.
Did your date order honey for dinner? Did your date eat the waiter when he brought the honey? Is your date a bear? You are dating a bear.
It’s so rude when someone else is using your toilet cubicle at work
[Planning a heist]
ME: Did you scope the place out?
PARTNER: Yes, they have two armed guards
ME: So we’re evenly matched in terms of limbs
Waking up late is a great way to see which steps of your personal hygiene are really unnecessary.