If I’m at a bar with live music, I always tip the piano player. I love watching them slide off the bench.
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One time i saw a man eat a whole apple, core and everything. Motherboard and power supply too. The man ate a computer it was horrifying
Someone you know may commit a crime today. If carefully managed, you can add in some of your own stuff.
[airline check-in]
SERVICE DESK: ok, I see you have no bags to check, you must be traveling light
PHOTON (wearing fake mustache): haha what makes you say that
Dog: Stop staring at me. I don’t talk. Next time don’t take so many Sudafed.
Me: Wow, ok. Rewd.
*grabs my unicorn’s reins* Let’s go.
yeah st. louis has some weird eating habits but did you know that when you ask for pizza in chicago they give you lasagna
“can i talk to you real fast?” no you can talk to me in a normal cadence or not at all
“Where do you get your ideas?” he said.
“Same place you do,” she said.
“No, seriously-”
“And I go early so I can take all the best ones.”
Me: The older I get, the less I care who sees me naked.
Post office employee: Thank you for at least wearing the mask.
I need a hobby. I’ve been over on Insta, commenting ‘what kind of dog is this?’ On people’s bird pics.
People need to learn how to record their name on a voicemail system.
“You have one new voicemail from… *heavy breathing* Toooooooddddd”
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i always wear cargo shorts
professor x: that’s stup- *coughcough* sry my throats dry
me: oh here have a gatorade
professor x: thanks man
Free cake in the break room and these people turn into cheetahs on a gazelle.
I think Pam from Accounting died.
She wasn’t strong enough.
Dad’s jean shorts in the 80’s were one move away from being the Basic Instinct scene
Alright pregnant ladies-this is YOUR BIG DAY!!!!!!
#LaborDay
[the cops release the cadaver sniffing dogs into my living room for the third time this week]
ME: *pauses netflix* I told you I’m not dead!
*phone rings
15: I hope it’s him!
*phone rings
25: hope it’s about the job
*phone rings
35: (handing phone to stranger) i died. tell them
Dietician: You are allowed one deviation per week, see you next week
Next week, me, *deviates from the route to the dietician’s office*
We’re quarantined with our laptops and our phones. If they’re not texting u back, they just don’t want to
6 year old: Mommy, take a picture of me and post it on Amazon.
Don’t tempt me kid.
ALBUS: Got Dementors to protect Hogwarts this year. They suck souls out! Indiscriminately!
KIDS: …
STAFF: …
ALBUS: I can’t control them.
crow 1: wanna hang out?
undercover cop crow: you’re busted for attempted murder
Society: Let’s give mothers their very own day.
Me: What about sharks?
Society: We’ll give them a whole week.
[restaurant]
Me: waiter, what kind of choy is this
Waiter (who is a chicken): bok
[wearing World’s Best Dad shirt]
Wife: whys there blood on your shirt?
Me: its not my blood
Guy bleeding out in the yard: its not your shirt
you cannot hurt me. you are not a hip height table corner
My roommate thinks our house is haunted but in the 182 years I’ve lived here I’ve not encountered any problems 🤷🏻♀️
4: Mom, how long was dad inside you?
Me:
4: Mom???
Me: What the f-
4: Well??? How long was he inside you before you had him?
Me: Oh honey no I didn’t birth your dad, grandma did!
I wondered why my back was so sore until I saw my son jumping rope on a crack in the sidewalk.
WIFE: That won’t work
ME [planting bird seed] do you want a bird or not, Linda?
Christmas Karening is like Christmas Caroling. But instead of going door to door singing, you go store to store asking for the manager.