Inside of you are 2 wolves.
One eats a grammy and the other gets domesticated.
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People used to dress as monsters for Halloween. Now they dress as characters from shows you don’t watch.
neurosurgeon: *turning my head upside down to shake out a pebble*
5: Wait, chicken we eat is from DEAD CHICKENS?
Me: Well, yes.
5: So Chicken McNuggets used to be part of REAL CHICKENS?
Me: Well, no.
Doctor: I’m sorry, but your Dad’s in a coma.
Teen: Huh?
Doctor: He’s in airplane mode now.
Teen: OHHH NOOOOO!!
“Because I got high” is actually a song about pilots, who go to high altitudes in their planes every day, and have good reason for not doing all those things in the song.
I went for a drive but I forgot my glasses. I didn’t even realize I had forgotten them until the guy lying on my windshield said something.
Wheel of Fortune contestants in Canada should get to buy more vowels.
Due to an unforeseen error during last night’s love making session I am forced to wear non matching socks today
Professor: most of you won’t pass this course
Me: cool so you’re like, Real shitty at your job
hello. i am the “friend” everyone has been asking questions for online. it has been a very rough three years but im starting to feel better. thanks for all your advice.
I just went to church and had communion. Ok it was a gas station and I had 2 donuts but I did say a prayer before scratching my lotto ticket
“machines will soon be as smart as people” ok but WHICH people
*spits out mouthful of blood* it’s gonna take more than that to kill me
Dentist: for the love of God just floss
[returning from Damascus]
St Paul: “Friends! Let me tell you all about God’s son, Esus”
Voice from the crowd: “Esus? But I thought-“
St Paul: “The letter “J” doesn’t fall into common usage until the 16th century”
St Ohn: “It’s true”
Women can detect even the smallest of lies, but on TV they tell them they can lose 20 pounds in 5 days and they believe it all.
Ghost costume 😂
Mom’s out of town, so I suggested we get ice cream for dinner and the kids said no.
I’m totally failing parenting
Me: “daft punk broke up”
My gf: “i didnt know they were dating”
{Horses on a road trip passing my house}
HORSE 1: *Points at me in my yard* Human.
Me: Look, I really stuck my neck out for you and-
Vampire: wow
Me: Right off the bat you- No, I’m just saying it bites, I mean it sucks when-
Vampire: WOW
Me: [practicing guitar]
Son: Hey, dad-
Me: NOT NOW I’M LEARNING CAT’S IN THE CRADLE
Could you Christian rock singers please invest in a thesaurus. I think God is fully aware by now that you think he is “great” and “awesome.”
I’m so lazy, I’ll only walk my fingers through your hair.
Yes I am sort of famous you may recognize me from being invited to say the pledge of allegiance over the school speakers in third grade
Bought a bag of frozen chopped onions because wedding confetti should be biodegradable and bird safe.
“911 what’s your emergency?”
“Yeah, I’ve got so many questions about bees.”
*sighs*
“Please hold for the president.”
I wanted to be Batman when I was a kid. So I kept leading my parents into dark alleys in the bad part of town.
[taking girlfriend out]
her dad: have her back at a reasonable time
me: don’t worry sir *clicks seatbelt* i have her back all the time
her dad: propose
Rebranding demon possession as a cure for loneliness.
[at the animal shelter]
Volunteer: This cat would do best going to a quiet home with no children.
Me: Can I go with her?