[standing in driveway with wife]
I thought we agreed on a Prius
[giant eagle pecks at saddle]
NO THIS IS BETTER
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If I was a doctor I would scare my patients by pretending to go check google every time they asked me a question
Hearing aid salesman: You’ll be able to hear everything people say.
Me: Hard pass.
*Me, stepping out of a time machine with Pheidippides* : See, people now run marathons for fun
Pheidippides: Marathons… the unbearable 26 miles I ran desperately during war, after which I died?
Me: lol yeah people eat waffles after
My favorite part of The Lion King is the part where Nicki Minaj held up baby Simba.
I thought there was something wrong with my eye because the area around it was swollen but it was just my face getting fatter
Baristas, stop paintin’ pictures in my damn latte. I’m gonna drink that shit not frame it.
My ex boyfriend was into two types of women:
1) Me
2) My Best Friend
Thank God the conventions are over because now we can get back to the real issues: FOOTBALL.
I’m at the age where I need at least 3 weeks advance notice before doing anything spontaneous
“If you want to lose weight eat in front of a mirror, nude”. Tried it. All I saw was a happy naked woman eating cheese.
[dentist]
receptionist: with copay that will be $15
me: here’s the teeth y’all pulled, just put it under a pillow and it should be taken care of
My home security system is just a copy of my paycheck taped to my front door.
extremely rude of the target self-checkout camera to show me exactly what i look like
I’m literally typing this from atop a giraffe in Ghana. Her name is Coriander & we love each other.
My parents hardly knew who my kindergarten teacher was but my son just found out who his first teacher will be and I can now tell you where she lives and the names of her sisters.
[On phone]
“Did u see the weather forecast?”
“No. I refuse to be sucked in by Big Weather.”
“Where are you? Its so noisy.”
“IN A TORNADO.”
One time I dated a yoga instructor & my buddies said “Man. She must be really flexible!” but I told them “No, she has to work most weekends”
*dumps more fleas on my head*
*sits back down in front of chimpanzee*
So, anyway, like I was saying…
Interviewer: We offer great benefits.
Me: Can I take my two weeks vacation before I start?
The Five Stages of Dinner:
1-optimism
2-denial
3-bargaining
4-chicken nuggets
5-dessert
Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in five years?
Me: I’d say listening is my biggest weakness.
My 20 year old cousin got his own apartment and it’s going pretty well
[getting murdered]
I hope this makes it on true crime TV.
I used to tell a joke about Lot’s wife. Looking back, it wasn’t a great idea.
On the maternity ward is one place where you should never silence push notifications.
how do people have 15 minute naps?? if i’m napping, i’ll sleep through an earthquake and the entire lord of the rings trilogy
My coworker doesn’t like me which is weird bc her husband does.
The first time I stayed at my girlfriends’ house, her dad wouldn’t let us sleep together.
Shame, he’s very attractive.
Today while in the bookshop I said to the lady behind the counter, “I’m looking for a book by Shakespeare”
She asked “Which one?”
Me “William, HELLO!”