“Why are you wearing?” – existentialist reporter on the red carpet
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Welcome to Alzheimer’s Club
I see a lot of new faces today
Patron: I’ll have the french toast
Waiter, donning a beret and raising a glass: oui oui, mon amie
Two sales people approached me at the furniture store. I’m following the one who called me Miss. The Hello Ma’am one should take note.
Most girls: “I hangout with guys, there’s less drama.” Me: “I hangout by myself. There’s no drama & I don’t have to wear pants.”
If you live alone and you have pets they don’t know your name
She didn’t believe I was single so I showed her my bathroom with the Metallica poster
If u want to sound smart just make up coding languages. Like “yeah I know DeltaCube, 17v and Amorph,” literally nobody will know theyre fake
A Spanish friend working in UK happily for years reply to taunts re being kicked out: “Well, I can choose 27 other countries; you can’t”
A woman at my bar was talking about how she has hard time meeting men and I told her to just start conversations with people. A guy comes in and sits next to her and she turns to him and goes “where were you during 9/11?”
I opened a bottle of wine to let it breathe.
It didn’t. So I gave it mouth to mouth.
*after sex*
Me:
Person:
M:
P:
M:
P:
Me: “was it because-”
P: “YES it was because you said “oh lawd she comin” when you climaxed”
It’s not politically correct to say Retarded, we say Politician now.
*walks past German Shepherd and nods* Officer…
Happy 50% off black jellybeans day!
“Wanna hear a joke?”
“Alright then.”
“What’s the difference between a toilet and a fridge?”
“I don’t know,”
“You’re disgusting.”
My wife was holding a broom, so I packed her away with the Halloween decorations.
My Onlyfans is just me drawing venn diagrams and giggling
Me: *just trying to pick up my groceries in peace*
7: can I have a plastic ax? I promise I won’t hit you with it.
[i get pulled over]
cop: have you been out drinking?
me: uh yeah, i’m 28, i’ve been out drinking literally hundreds of times
mozzarella stick implies the existence of a mozzarella tree
I forced her to tell me what I was to her
Apparently, I’m the 5th in line of guys she talks to when she’s bored
Any day now, there will be a country song called “(He broke up with me from) 6 Feet Apart”.
Me: I’m sorry, but I don’t think I’ll ever be ready to have children
Wife: I won’t say it again, stop saying that in front of the kids
I will never get tired of listening to Whitney Houston clearing Wendy Williams on air 😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭
Me: I was just killing time
Arresting officer: Tim. His name was Tim
I just heard a lady in the grocery store parking lot tell her dog in the truck she loves him & he’s beautiful & she’s going to miss him, but she’ll brb & kissed head.
& I just feel like we need more of her in this world.
I also wanna be her dog when I grow up.
These supplements I was taking promised me a defined shape…they didn’t say it would be “melted candle”.
My dad just tried to lecture me about mountain weather conditions and what I should be packing for our five day hike. WHEN WAS THE LAST TIME YOU CLIMBED A MOUNTAIN DAD? I’M 40 YEARS OLD AND I’LL PACK WHAT I WANT. YOU’RE NOT THE BOSS OF ME. GAWD.
*falls off log and dies
I’m sorry I said yes when you asked if I’m a people person, I thought you said pizza.
I’ve been putting a scoop of sherbet on my neighbor Leslie’s car, every morning for six years. Today he shot me with an arrow.