normalize answering the phone saying, “I’M DOING THE BEST I CAN, CAPTAIN”
You Might Also Like
Ever need something at the grocery store but someone is standing right in front of it? So instead of rushing them you just pretend that you’re looking at what’s right next to you and be all like “wow these are some nice bacon bits”
every day around 8:30PM my body says “let’s go to bed” but I fight it and stay up til’ 3am anyway like the idiot adult toddler I am.
You do not have to prove your own humanity to others. Unless it’s a captcha.
Whoever put the ‘b’ in subtle was a clever bastard.
Senator Clinton, what will you do now?
Hillary: Divorce Bill.
[listening to the neighbors argue through the walls]: mmw mmwm wmmw mwm mwwmm wwmw
mwm wmmwm wwmw mmwm
mwwm mmw mmwm mwwm mwmwm
me: oh stephanie you’re better than this
Cop: You’re driving on the wrong side of the road.
Driver: Sorry, I’m English.
Cop: (shouting) It’s the wrong soid of the roade ye was droivin down, innit?
I can’t undo my mistakes. All I can do is make more mistakes and hope the original one gets diluted.
Me: *upon exiting the womb* you’ll be hearing from my lawyer
ME: I played Wordle today
SON: great
ME: Do you know what Wordle is?
SON: no
ME: It’s like Mastermind but instead instead of colors it’s letters
SON: great
ME: Do you know what Mastermind is?
SON: no
her: let’s try roleplaying
me: can I be a hypochondriac?
her: you got it
me: *suddenly nervous* got what
Me: I might have done that when I was younger, but I’m too old for that now.
Nurse: Ma’am, I only asked you to stand up.
I try to compartmentalize, but then I remember that’s how they built the titanic.
No intelligent people were harmed in the reading of this tweet
The only drawback to having your groceries delivered is now an unknown number people know my cake habits.
If you’ve got one of those video doorbells, don’t be surprised if I do a tight seven-minute set on your porch.
I may not be much of an athlete these days but I can sure as shit jump 6 feet in the air when a spider runs out by my feet.
Me: so what do you do
Date: i’m a pharmacist
Me: so farm assist like milking cows
Date: no like drugs
Me: oh
Date:
Me: how do u milk drugs
7yo: You count to 20 and I’ll hide.
Me: Ok. [Starts counting.]
[Goes downstairs to drink coffee and eat cookies.]
Whenever an overnight guest is using a spare toothbrush at my house I always walk in and ask them if they’ve seen my butthole scrubber.
I’ve been ill with night terrors, nausea, dizziness, hunger pains, cry fits, and a stutter. According to Web MD, I have a date tonight.
me: head, shoulders, knees and toes, eyes and ears and mouth and nose
CDC: no
Business plan :
1. hold sign that says “free hugs”2. Whisper during the hug, “it’s $50 to let go”
CW: It’s 11:11 make a wish.
Me: I wish I could throw a clock at your face.
I would totally do this if I had any desire to grow ghost peppers.
I’m about to get my 5yo her own phone just so she’ll stop screwing up my YouTube algorithm
My boss got bit by a snake so I bandaged his wound so tight just to make sure the venom won’t drain out.
Her: draw me like one of your French girls
Me, seductively: *puts her hand onto paper* this will be the perfect hand turkey
I’m not getting married till Pizza Hut allows gift registry.
[Preens and poses in front of security camera]
*Shoplifts makeup and diet products*
Security Guard: Let her have it.