women will invite you to shower with them then cook you alive with a temperature of water you didn’t know existed
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HORSE: *walks into a bar*
BARTENDER: Why the long face?
HORSE: Updog
BARTENDER: What’s updog?
HORSE: Not much just walking into a bar
Them: You should try keto
Me:
date: I won’t be able to see you for a while. I need to focus on watching the World Cup.
me: *flops to the ground clutching my shin*
aruba, jamaica / oooh, i wanna take ya
atlanta, las vegas/ uhhh that’s lots of places
vienna, then florence/ baaabe i can’t afford this
I always have an elaborate flow chart on hand in case people ask me “What’s the worst that can happen?”
When news reporters do sports stories
Her: *drinking green smoothie* Try this. It’s all natural.
Me: Lava is all natural but you won’t see me drinking it.
Hey buddy, if you didn’t want me napping in your pet store you shouldn’t have sleeping rooms filled with puppies.
I make sure my husband thinks about me during the workday by packing him a sandwich that also falls apart for no reason.
The best part of Halloween is all the Jehovah’s Witnesses wondering why they’re being given candy.
My dog is dreaming. Based on the noises and twitches coming from him… he’s fighting off a Korean Chef.
[blood donor clinic]
dracula: can i order a pint please?
I found the worst tweet ever made. It appeared right after I clicked send
One night in college, my roommate got super drunk pretty quickly and ended up getting sick. We handed her a trashcan, with trash already in it. She puked a few times and started crying, and then looked in the can and yelled, OMG I THREW UP A FORK?!
Laughed hysterically and said “Oh yes, please do” after the pizza shop guy asked if he could put the sauce in my box. I think I scared him.
Jury duty would be a lot more popular if they gave everyone a turn with the gavel
My tongue was actually in the Guinness Book of World Records until the damn librarian kicked me out.
Sad that 25 years ago Homer Simpson seemed like a looser in American culture and now it’s like: “Whoa…that guy has a job AND owns a home?”
Dad: “GO TO YOUR ROOM NOW!”
Child: *storms off* “JIM MORRISON WAS OVERRATED!”
Dad: “WHAT DID I TELL YOU ABOUT SLAMMING THE DOORS!?”
Apparently Red Cross won’t let you donate blood if you bring it in a Coke bottle. That squirrel died for nothing.
Me: this doesn’t seem right
Dentist: u know on tv when they say 9/10 dentists
M: yeah
D: im the one
*he resumes hitting my teeth w/ a comb*
my birthday is tomorrow on the Ides and I’m excited to celebrate by doing what Julius Caesar SHOULD have done: staying home and avoiding my friends
Jennifer Aniston is always cast in the same role because she’s a victim of Rachel profiling.
Him: What dat mouth do?
Me: Cookie Monsters a case of Girl Scout Cookies.
If that’s what meditation is doing for you, WOW! Mostly, I just get itchy.
me: i have a thought
twitter: are you sure you want to choose violence?
Do you ever have irrational anger at some random person in your life you will never see again? For me it’s that lady who woke me up for snoring during Cats.
Krampus.
God: the quarterly meeting of 2020 will come to order
Satan: under new business please add timing to release 4th horseman of the apocalypse
G: this is the last time I bet with you on the winner of Dancing with the Stars
S: LOL
G: LOL