ELEPHANT COP: I recognize you
LION: I just have one of those familiar faces
ELEPHANT COP: You don’t know who the hell you’re dealing with
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my last few brain cells clinging on for dear life
“I’M NOT LIKE OTHER GIRLS!!!”
(Seductively takes baby dragon out of Gucci purse & lights cigarette.)
Me: 3 miles today.
Him: On the treadmill?
Me: No, scrolling on Twitter.
A fun thing about parenthood is that even when you get to close the bathroom door you’re never really alone
I sent 117 texts and called you 82 times but you must be busy so I came over to tell you the restraining order expired and I still love you!
Date: Want to go back to my place and get naughty?
Me: Nice try, Santa.
When you’re married, you’re part of a team, there’s checks and balances, two brains are better than one, you guys can bounce ideas off each other.
But being single means never having to explain what you spent $8,345.65 on or why there’s a baby kangaroo living in your house
I ordered a toilet seat from Amazon and now based on the ads I see they must think I have an insatiable toilet seat addiction
accidentally left edibles for santa and came downstairs to find him trying to watch pink floyd on my toaster
I’ve never Met Gala but I heard she’s weird.
free space program idea: when you bring a spaceship back to earth land it on a huge seesaw and launch another ship off the other side
Ways cats are like toddlers:
– They love unrolling toilet paper
– They eat from cat bowls
– They suck at doing my taxes
– Somehow they always find their way on top of the fridge
My doctor says I’m a hypochondriac. Is that any way to speak to a woman who’s probably dying?
Her: Why do you have a copy of 50 Shades of Grey in your bathroom? Perv!
Me: Oh. No that’s just for when I run out of toilet paper.
[god creating elephant]
“overfeed that aardvark”
*pronounces GIF like graphics interchange format*
*panicking* 3-3-3-3-3-3-3-3-3
ME:
GF:
ME:
GF:
ME:
GF:
ME:
GF:
ME:
GF:
ME: I think the router has reset now
GF: Oh thank God
Dracula: *transforms into a bat*
Me: OMG flappy sky puppy come here there is a blanket and I’ve got the brushybrushy for you do you want the brushybrushy
Dracula:
Me:
Dracula:
Me:
Dracula: *tiny voice* yes
Job interview…
H- “So how would you describe yourself?”
Me- “Verbally but just incase I prepared a dance”..
he was correct
Every. Damn. Time.
[robbing a bank]
Bank teller: *slides over money* here you go
Me: *slides it back* can I make a deposit
I don’t like to brag about my cat-like reflexes.
That said, could someone please call for help?
I got startled and am stuck in a tree.
Bing: It’s Dutch! This tweet is in Dutch! Let me translate it for you!
Me: no it isn’t, she just said “hahahaha”
Bing: come on give me a shot you won’t regret this
Me: fine i’ll click it
Bing (instantly): Could Not Translate
Every parent who has picked up a toddler and taken them away from a playground while they kick and scream and cry is legally allowed to put “bouncer” on their resume’s work history.
Be careful of what you say online because future employers might see it and will probably want to start hanging out with you
Any way is the right way to plug in a USB if you’re not a weakass
-Ho ho ho, what do you want for Christmas?
-I want a Kylo Ren lightsaber, a Thor hammer, a Star Trek phaser, a—
-I was asking the boy, sir.
After hearing about our 4 y.o.’s brain surgeries, a charismatic woman started praying over her for healing.
The 4 y.o. looked her right in the face and said, “It’s okay, the doctors fixed it.”