If you are between 8 -16 years old and not whiskey, you are annoying.
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I gave up my aisle seat and took a middle seat so a mother and her son could sit together. It was ten minutes of feeling good about myself followed by three hours of hating a perfectly nice little boy.
There’s no one I respect more than duck hunters. You spent $15,000 on a camouflage boat to outsmart a duck.
[tinder first date]
her: oh. I saw your profile picture holding the fish. I just assumed…fish: yeah this happens a lot
5yo just asked for, and I quote, “two fingers of milk” if you’re wondering how parenting during lockdown is going
ME: sorry for the hold-up
TELLER: but you didn’t make me wait?
ME: *pulling a gun* haha no I’m Canadian
…and then the whiskey whispered “You should totally tell her about what your ex used to do to you in bed.”
Paddington 3: Paddington Goes to Film School
If I owned a roofing business, I’d call it What in Tar Nation or We’ve Got Shingles or We’re Not Eavesdropping or We Are the Leaders or We Gotchu Covered or
Me, wet, shrunken, laying in front of the interrupted washing machine, breathlessly clutching a voodoo doll: FOUND IT
Say what you will about Elon’s management style, but before he took over all you guys posted was “ugh another day on this hell site” and now you’re all like “ah twitter the extraordinary place where I met all my best friends, started my career, had sex for the first time”
Therapist: You try too hard to get people to like you
Me: [painting her toenails] I need a “for instance”
women will invite you to shower with them then cook you alive with a temperature of water you didn’t know existed
“I’VE BEEN KICKED OUT OF CLASSIER BARS THAN THIS,” I scream at my house
Kicked out of the aquarium for trying to sneak in a big straw
“I was in so many vaginas in college my buddies called me Danpon. Anywho, tell me all your hopes and dreams.” – Me on first date/last date
if i finally fell asleep and a ghost woke me up to show me my past, i’d kill them again
Flying cars sound great but have you seen people drive? No way man
If you accidentally use Pam cooking spray instead of Off…
It still works, because the mosquitoes just slide off your legs.
My personal trainer and my marriage counselor have vastly differing opinions on how many “cheat days” I am allowed each month.
My neighbor hates when I go over to borrow a cup of money.
Elton John ”Hold me closer, tiny dancer”
CDC ”Stop right there!!”
Had a really nice moment this morning with the postman as we held hands through the letterbox. Only slightly ruined by his screaming.
Lackadaisical: when you have misplaced your daisical.
*starts new diet*
“Do not drink caffeine”
*ends new diet*
Programming Skills: PRIMARILY RUBY AND PYTHON BUT I CAN USE ANY TYPE OF GEM TO CONTROL ANY TYPE OF SNAKE
Me: DIALOGUE!!!
Other lumberjack: You’re supposed to yell timber.
Ned Stark is just a gay Boromir.
Remote start, keyless entry, feature allows me the privilege of losing my keys- while I’m driving.
[joyriding in stolen Lamborghini]
HER: No way this thing does 150.
ME: Only one way to find out…
[pulls over & checks wikipedia]
houseguest: is this a pull out couch
me: no we kind of just hope for the best