Considering you can be anything you want on the internet,
it’s amazing how many choose to be stupid.
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Her: Wanna “lex” tonight?
Him: What’s that?
Her: Lazy sex.
Him: What do we do?
Her: Lay in bed and send each other Huffington Post articles.
Person: I like you
Me: *eyes narrow* Why
[deathbed]
Son….come closer
“Yes dad?”
We need a new man of the house
“I’d-”
*presses fake mustache into his hands*
Give this to your sister
[pet store]
me: are the birds expensive?
employee: they’re going cheap
me: I know how they work
My boyfriend literally has no problem making friends with anybody…
Red Bull gives you wings.
Sugar Daddy gives you things.
I’m a creative speller thus no typos, just art.
Walked past a group of cats that meowed at me so I meowed back. They stopped meowing and now I’m worried I said something homeowphobic
Don’t explain my jokes to me. I don’t want to know what I mean.
[3 guys corner me in an alley]
3G: Bet you’re scared
Me: *shows them my wife’s credit card bills*
3G: *hand over their wallets* holy shit
I got this box of water on my flight last night. It is not better. It tastes like a petting zoo
The Purge, but instead of 24 hrs of killing whoever we want, we get to tell our friends that we really think the person they’re dating is trash without consequences.
When I first heard about it, I thought pickleball was some weird food at the state fair.
I’m a vegetarian for the health reasons. Now pass the cheese fries.
Negative pregnancy tests, because everyone loves good news on a stick
Dog: Whatcha doing?
Me: Shaving my legs.
Dog: Why?
Me: So that I’m not covered in…
Dog: Not covered in what, Erren? NOT COVERED IN WHAT?
What you call those little potatoes with all the eyes?
Speck taters
Trick your partner into thinking you’ve been to Costco by coming home with a canoe & a years supply of dishwasher tablets.
neil armstrong: i’ll take that for you
neil armweak: can you carry this?
I can’t wait until my dog is old enough to pay his own way.
Freeloader.
one time when i was a kid my parents let an iguana babysit us while they went to a pablo cruise concert
I am HOWLING at this
I hate when my camera rings, in the middle of a selfie.
Chess is my favourite game but I don’t play favourites
INTERVIEWER: u put “whiskey” as a reference?
ME: ope i thought it said preference
Only two things are certain: death, and Princess Diana’s face on at least one grocery store magazine
If you’re wondering if marriage gets more relaxed the longer it lasts, my parents have been together 36 years and my mother just yelled “WHY DO YOU SPEAK” at my father so I’m guessing the answer is no.
Started to watch Indiana Jones and the Dial of Destiny and I saw the warning that it contains tobacco depictions so I threw my TV in the street. Not in this household.
Osama Bin Laden should have hid in MySpace
How do I tell my kid the tooth fairy needs $15 change for the $20 she left under his pillow?