A spider built a web across a rarely used toilet in my basement so occasionally I’ll flush it for him so maybe he thinks he over a series of picturesque mountain rapids
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[making pigs in a blanket]
6-year-old: We can’t call them that. We have a pig.
Me: What should we call them?
6: Nobody you know in a blanket.
I cried at a wedding once. The reception was a cash bar.
A Covid test nurse asked if I’ve had a sudden loss of taste. I told her, “No, I’ve dressed like this for quite a while.”
[Romeo below the balcony in 2022]
“I brought chicken”
Cop: “what do you think you’re doing?”
Me: “just throwing these microwaves into the ocean to create super sharks”
*cop starts helping*
Him: What long nails you have!
Me: All the better to capture your DNA with if you murder me.
*dating is easy
5yo: [loudly whispers] MOMMY, SEE? WE’RE LETTING YOU AND DADDY SLEEP! AREN’T WE DOING GOOD?
Me: [in bed] Yeah. You’re doing GREAT.
Having a tattoo in a hidden place is really just entertainment for the coroner.
gimma back my stick frost man… 😖☃️
Little does the bus driver know, that “I love you” I shout after my kids every morning is for him too.
Day 3 of quarantine: I haven’t showered for weeks
And I spent so many nights
Growing hairier with mould
And now I’m old,
Past the date I should be sold
*gives you the finger*gives you the spleen*gives you the bones*gives you all the other parts* Now build me a girlfriend like you promised.
*Hears sound in the middle of the night*
Mildly afraid – it’s an intruder.
Absolutely terrified – it’s going to wake my toddler.
My kid, “How old are you?”
Me, “47. Wait, 46. No, 47. Dang, I’m not sure.”*Pulls out phone and did the math. Turns out it’s 46.*
Kid, “Maybe you’re only 36.”
Me, “You are my favorite.”
Kid, “…and really bad at math.”
Rent in the city is getting ridiculous. I pay $775 to live in a barista’s beard. I have 3 roommates.
[commenting under wife’s facebook status where she thanks everyone for coming to our son’s bday party] do we have any mustard?
Parents, talk with your children about the importance of saving frequently so they won’t have to restart at the beginning of the level.
if your cat keeps trying to make noise but nothing is coming out, check and make sure they didn’t get stuck on mewt
Take a stand against childhood obesity by chasing little fat kids down the street.
Me: i’m just here for shits and giggles
Taco Bell employee: *passes me my order* i can’t promise you the giggles
I WISH I WERE PAC-MAN SO WHEN I GOT UPSET I COULD EAT SOME CHERRIES & EVERYONE AROUND ME WOULD TURN INTO GHOSTS
My dad, seeing my 7yo on an iPad: when I was a kid we played with sticks and rocks all day!
My 7yo: oooh I love sticks and rocks! Will you play with sticks and rocks with me all day today?
Your move, grandpa.
*fakes headache to get out of work*
*updates resume with “proficient at adapting previously learned skills to new tasks”*
Don’t drink water and stay hydrated it’s a hoax
Unless you have stellar reflexes, throwing a bouncy ball at your spouse during an argument is not the best choice.
The best way to open a stubborn jar is to take a deep breath and recite an ancient Wiccan incantation.
ME: [practising my samurai sword moves in the mirror]
[ever so slightly later]
ME: [dying from massive blood loss]
yeh i’ll get up soon i just need to look at the internet first. yes the whole thing
Bruce Banner: You wouldn’t like me when I’m angry
Me: I don’t like you now