Me: *reads a lot, has many books, all things considered, a book person*
Person: So, what’s your favourite book?
Me: I cannot think of one book that I have read. I have never read a single book. What are books?
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dude it’s called proctologist
Welcome to your 40s: here’s ten pounds.
my Face ID only recognizes me if I have a cookie in my mouth
reverse girlcow, because i’m drunk.
Saving up ketchup packets in the fridge so I can one day open my own restaurant
If the government implants a tracking device on me the only useful information they are going to get is how many times I actually pee in a day.
Me: Oh God help I’ve been stabbed in the tummy
911: how old are you?
Me: 38
911: omg
Me: what
911: 38
Me: what
911: tummy
Me: just send help
911: ok tummy sending you an amby wamby
Baker: what should we call these delightful little pastries
Hannibal Lector: lady fingers
Getting shit done. Was my response when my boss ask me what I’m doing. And now I’m sitting outside of H.R.
me: I want to be handsome like my dad
friend: is your dad handsome?
me: no but he wants to be too
“Name?”
Well, some people call me the space cowboy, some people call me the gangster of love, some people call me Maur…
“Sir, have you ever been tazzed at the DMV before.”
Me: This “Fear the Walking Dead” show is really creepy.
Wife: This is the Video Music Awards.
dream blunt rotation
Cargo shorts need insulated side pockets so people can always have access to a hot and tasty pork chop.
Distance is my jam, solitude is my peanut butter.
I don’t care if it’s red balloons, problems, or bottles of beer on the wall.
If you’ve got 99 of anything, I’m scheduling an intervention
Keeping up with the Kardashians is exhausting tbh.
Him: The dog ate your take-home final?
Me: Yeah.
Him: So what happened?
Me: Well, a few hours later-
Him: Oh, no.
Me: -he passed the test.
Me: I’m too full to eat anymore.
Food: Are you sure.
Me: No.
MARINE BIOLOGY PROFESSOR: So an octopus can change its color to mimic its surroundings. When octopi do this it’s called—
ME: An octo-lie.
PROFESSOR: …Metachrosis.
ME:
PROFESSOR:
ME: Mocktopus.
ME: I’m a creep. I’m a weirdo. What the hell am I doing here? I don’t belong here.
GUY: I love that song.
ME: What song?
him: i like athletic girls
me [dips oreo in milk]: check out this sweet dunk
him: not like that
I’d get into a lesbian relationship just to mooch my girlfriend’s hair care products.
You can pick your friends, you can pick your nose, you can cry when the girl you used to babysit gets engaged before you do.
Old guys always send me a “Good morning beautiful” and never a “V, you are the only beneficiary of my 3 million dollars life insurance”… Romance is dead
me: they’re having a retirement party for my coworker
my father, an immigrant: what’s a retirement party? you mean a funeral?
[phonecall]
murderer: I’m outside your houseme: I’m at the supermarket
murderer: ok
me: I’ll be there in 10
Shovelling the driveway with a heating pad jammed down the back of my shirt, the extension cord attached to the house like I’m an astronaut.
Him: You can’t give the cat treats right after he tripped me on the stairs. He’ll think it’s a reward.
Me: It is.
me: a beloved member of my family died
college professor: show me the body or take the quiz