Evil villain: I’ve been expecting you.
*Swivels around in swivel chair*
*Superhero runs over & spins chair faster*
Evil villian: WEEEEE!
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My grandparents worked hard to make sure their kids had everything and I’m working hard and not having kids to make sure I keep everything.
No thanks, free health assessment. I don’t want to know what I’m doing to my body
Whenever I go to Subway, when they ask if I would like my sandwich toasted, I say yes & then I raise my cup of Coke & say, “To my sandwich!”
[First date]
Him: What’s your favorite dish?
Me: The one that holds the most food.
Life doesn’t do much to prepare you for when a coworker gets bangs and asks what you think of her hair.
*eats half a banana then stubs the bit that’s left in an ashtray*
life hack: DO NOT TRY TO CUT CHERRY TOMATOES IN HALF WITH YOUR FOOD SCISSORS
OLIVE GARDEN: When you’re here, you’re family!
ME: Can I get a–
OLIVE GARDEN: No, we have food at home.
I see in your bio you’re divorced and play the bagpipes. I’m going to venture a guess as to why you’re divorced
Too bad we can’t get paid for our funny tweets. I could probably make about $10.
having one friend who enables everything you do and another who calls you out for your shit is wild bc you’ll explain the exact same situation to them and one of them will go “Abby tax fraud is bad” while the other goes “👏🏽you👏🏽don’t👏🏽owe👏🏽anyone👏🏽anything👏🏽not👏🏽even👏🏽the 👏🏽IRS”
Just realized I follow Barack Obama and he follows me back. Excuse me while I send the leader of the free world a DM about Harry Potter.
[God creating the octopus]
Idk, maybe make it look like the time I tried to cram the old pool noddles into a trash bag.
Flex on houseplants by drinking water whenever you want
Job Posting: local pond looking to hire tadpole, must have previous experience as frog
I really don’t see what the problem is with me letting my dogs on the sofa, but the man at the furniture shop was adamant.
“I love you” can be the most beautiful words you can hear from someone you truly care about, next to “I got this round.”
[son’s football game]
Other dad: which one’s yours?
Me: I can’t remember. I just wait for him in the car when the games over
Wife: You were right.
Me: Say it again.
Wife: You were right.
Me: Again.
Wife: You were right.
Me: One more time.
Wife: You wer-*wakes up*
Auto correct changed “mingle” to “mangle,” and now I’ve been uninvited to a Superbowl party.
a good captain goes down with the ship, i personally don’t need a professional obligation to sink to the bottom of the ocean, i just do it
I’ve wrecked my car yet I still weigh the same. This crash diet is for the birds.
People can be dangerous when they have too much power. Giving my 5yo a balloon sword is a perfect example of this.
WARNING: Ham radios taste nothing like ham!
Having to write cover letters is so dumb. Do u really believe my dream ever since I was a little girl was to optimize SEO for a mid level online publication? No. It was to ride a pony on a space rainbow. Grow up.
Absolutely insane clap-to-blink ratio
So apparently a neighborhood watch is not watching bad stuff happen to your neighbor’s home & then taking a nap
Whenever I mess up an experiment I just think of what a pigeon considers a successful nest
“DOUG YOU’RE THE NEXT CONTESTANT ON THE PRICE IS RIGHT!”
[camera pans to me struggling with Doug for his name tag]
Me: I know panty hose are a little dated but I love how they even out my skin tone
Bank Teller: So is this not a robbery?
Me: No, It is