Them: Have you tried dieting?
Me: Have you ever tried pizza?
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“Hold on lemme just hotbox these bugs so I can steal and eat their goo.” -beekeepers everywhere
if something “takes the cake” that’s on you for not guarding said cake appropriately
Me: Did we get a bunch of new cups?
Wife: No. Our daughter brought them all down from her room.
Inside you are two wolves. Inside each of them? You guessed it: two more wolves. Are there two wolves inside each of those two wolves? You better believe there are. You are a wolf pyramid scheme, my friend.
You can’t stop yourself
If I say this is a haiku
You’ll count syllables
Adult: If it ain’t broke don’t fix it
Child: If it ain’t breakable, not interested
[Job Interview]
Sir, it says here you’re part of a small group of criminals that primarily kills interviewersoohhhhmygod
I can’t wait for the next Oscars dead-person montage when all the celebs Joan Rivers insulted have to applaud her.
Me: I’m so bored I literally have nothing to do
*10 upcoming assignments due tomorrow*
Boss: Can you send the documents
Me: I am sinking in the muck of a swamp of ancient pain
Boss: Ok just don’t forget to send the documents
Don’t hate me cause I’m beautiful, hate me cause I stole your lunch out of the office fridge
For today’s Florida story, I bring you Michael Marolla, who was just arrested in Collier County with a live alligator in the bed of his pickup, two firearms, and multiple syringes loaded with meth.
If someone asks you if you’re in the queue, what they actually mean is “you’re really shit at queuing, aren’t you?”
“You know what? I’ll just wait for the next Uber. Thanks.”
The ghost of the little girl who haunts my house was scary at first, but now she mainly just practises her french braids on us while we sleep. I don’t mind. I’m starting to get compliments from my coworkers. The dog has never looked more glam
ME: Hey they’re playing our song.
HER: This isn’t our song.
ME: [turning up “Go Your Own Way”] Yes it is, Karen. I want a divorce.
Eric Trump said the Syria strike was swayed by a “heartbroken” Ivanka. He also pouted that dad has never bombed a country for him.
I can never understand what our accent chair is saying.
My bank assures me my money is safe with them, yet they keep their pens chained to desks and most of them are missing.
Me: how much for the horse kabobs
Ride operator: it’s a carousel
when you wait until you’re practically crowning to take a pregnancy test
Her: What’s something you’ve never told anyone?
Me: I think ravioli should be an appetizer at restaurants
Her: Like something naughty though
Me: I like to eat ravioli before my meals
I hate it when a man uses me for sex and conversations and raising children and growing old together
TAYLOR SWIFT: Yes, I’d love to go out with you!
ME: Sweet. *imagining being immortalized in a Top 40 hit song*
I’m sorry I hosed off your toddler as he walked by my house but I can’t afford to get sick right now.
[first day as a juror] *applying lipstick* which way is the hung jury
BOSS: What’s going on here?
ME: Dave’s mad because he specifically labelled his sandwich in the fridge and I accidentally-
DAVE: Not accidentally, on purpose!!
ME: ugh ok FINE. And I, “on purpose”, slept with his wife
I hate when people say “I’d give up my first born child for that.”
If you really want to entice me, offer to raise one of mine.
My son is screaming his head off in his room but there’s no way I’m going in there if his monster reports are true.