Every time you get dressed remember that, if you die, that’s your ghost outfit forever.
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My dentist just looked in my mouth and said something is gonna have to come out. I suspect he’s talking about my wallet.
i don’t know who needs to hear this but you can totally just buy an ink stamp that says CLASSIFIED and stamp it on whatever you want
My one year-old is going through a horrible tantrum phase, muttering gibberish and then screaming when things don’t go his way.
Basically, his spirit animal is Yosemite Sam.
Air conditioning – not a fan
*stops abruptly at red light*
*instinctively reaches out arm to protect food in passenger seat*
Apparently the main job qualification for being a pirate was that you had to be named after a beard.
why are the variants starting to sound like new iphones 😭
[last supper]
Judas: Here, I brought this
Jesus: A bottle of wine? Srsly? I need that like I need a hole in my hand
Judas: *winks at camera*
ALIEN: You Earthlings have many technological advances. How do you predict the weather?
ME: We pull a rodent out of a box.
Imagine being the person that got a message from an almighty powerful God and it was: ‘There’s going to be a floody floody’.
Me: Both of our hamsters died and we just can’t part with them
Taxidermist: Would you like them mounted?
Me: Um no, just holding hands
handsome customer: [pointing] that costume please.
clerk: sexy warlock. you got it.
me: same as him.
clerk: creepy male witch, comin’ up.
Which cellphone carrier drops the most calls? I need to get one for my mom.
I wish I could just drop my body off at the gym and pick it up later.
people in fantasy novels absolutely love removing from their knapsack some bread and hard cheese
Tractor: ‘Let’s get to work.’
Detractor: ‘Let’s not get carried away.’
I open my wallet and an accordion of pictures fall out but they’re all of me holding loaves of bread like a fish I caught.
Him: A nap? Really?
Me: It’s not me. I have two wolves inside me and they want a nap.
Him:
Me: I’m a responsible owner and let them nap.
Him: Guess they like pizza, too.
Me: What do you have against wolves?
*accidentally makes crinkling noise.
While we’re on the subject….
*throws your homemade scone out the window and breaks a windshield*
Take revenge, crap on a pigeon.
Date: any pets?
Me: a pet rock
D: lol at least u don’t have to housetrain it
Me: *flashback to piles of pebbles all over my house* haha yeah
BARTENDER: *wiping a glass* what’ll it be
ME: I’ll have a dirty martini
BARTENDER: *stops wiping glass*
Who even thought of soup? Were they like, you know what this perfectly good meal needs? Water.
Hey neighbor…
Hope you…
Don’t mind…
Me borrowing…
Your…
Trampoline…
I’ve tried everywhere so I can confirm that there is no snooze button on a baby.
I’m only up to Covid 15.
No Spoilers Please!
WIFE: i want to get to the mall early to beat the crowd
ME: but if we wait *grabbing baseball bat* there’ll be more of them
Wow, my kids are decorating the heck out of this small lower left section of our Christmas tree.
Groundhog is like regular hog except it’s easier to make burgers out of it.