WebMD would be more accurate if every search result diagnosed you as a hypochondriac.
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if adults evolved from babies, why are there still babies?
Theres a new machine at the gym. I only used it for 1 hr because I started to feel sick but its awesome! Its got Skittles, M&M’s…everything!
There’s a big difference between seminary school and semenary school.
I can tell how much my company cares by their willingness to schedule a meeting, outside of work hours, to discuss how better to manage work/life balance
I doubt anyone’s actually “dying” from seeing a cute baby picture on FB, but we can always dream.
Money doesn’t grow on trees. Your move, multinational agricultural biotechnology corporations.
I love when my friends start selling weight loss shakes because that’s one less person I ever have to talk to again.
Stranger: I’m calling from inside the house.
Me: *screams* Wait, do I have a landline?
Is that two bananas in your pocket or are you happy to see me and also have one banana in your pocket?
Gollum had a pretty sweet setup for a while. Cave where no one bothers him. Cool item to look at in his cave
It’s at times like this we need to be good to ourselves:
Catch up on some sleep.
Eat your favorite foods.
Watch that boxset you’ve been putting off.
Let your kid have a beer for breakfast.
Make your dog some armor.
*First and last date:
“Wanna see my rain predictin’ knee?”
In space, no one can hear…
Being a mother is truly a gift. My son surprised me by stopping in to visit yesterday. Last night when I went to watch TV, I no longer had one.
Paul Dano has his priorities and it kills me
Wow my pants are really loose today
*skips to the nearest vending machine*
“We survived WW2 we can get through Brexit!”
“Gareth you are 41 and have never even gone paintballing what the absolute shit are you talking about”
Look son, every man is nervous the first time. Just take a deep breath, walk up to her, look her in the eye and ask her for directions.
[church fundraiser]
me: *takes out a $100*
priest: *eyes wide* bless you my child
me: aww thank you! do you have $99.50 in change?
I’ve got a joke about Sean Connery’s brother’s attractive daughter. It’s pretty niche.
doctor: the bad news is you’re dying
me: so there’s good news?
doctor: not for you, no
time travel is only valuable to me if it helps me find where I put my keys
God [making birds]: They are going to start screaming in the morning and wake people up really early.
Angel: Like at 6 AM?
God: Earlier.
Angel: 5 AM?
God: EARLIER
“I’d hit that!” -Helpful blackjack dealer
My editor has informed me that I do not know how hyphens work.
I’m not-sure how I feel about-this.
[2 toads chillin’]
Yo, we should start a rumor that if u lick us you’ll get high.
“Whaaaat, that’s genius.”
We gon’ get mad licked, son.
HER: {brings me to bedroom} And this is where the magic happens.
ME: Show me {moves closer}
HER: What do you want me to do to you baby? {moves closer}
ME: {so close that our lips are almost touching} Saw me in half.
Old men’s pants creep higher & higher up their waist into their armpits.
At the end of their lives they’re just a pair of pants with a head.
The fact that there are space cowboys implies that there are space cows and that’s why I haven’t slept in 4 days.
[blind date]
HIM: so Paul says that you’re a real charmer *smiles*
ME:*whips out three snakes from my bag and a flute* you bet i am