Therapist: Tell me something exciting that happened this week
Me: McDonald’s has a new breakfast sandwich
Therapist:
Me: It has two sausage patties and bacon
Therapist:
Me: Also two slices of cheese, I think
Therapist:
Me: Why do you look so sad
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my toxic trait is feeling like eating 1 box of oreos over the course of 1 day is healthier than eating them in one sitting. there has to be less calories that way.
Me: I just don’t see how Luigi could afford a mansion like that on a plumber’s salary, especially since he worked for his brother
Wife: see what I mean?
Therapist: shut up for a second he has a point
[sees a zebra for the first time]
What’s up with that horse?
[sees a giraffe for the first time]
Okay, what the hell is going on today?
I am so lucky that I can’t tell the difference between a heartfelt compliment and sarcastic disdain. Life is much easier when you’re dumb
The Victoria’s Secret models should use their wings to fly to a food source.
me: this could have been an email
cop: step out of the car sir
For once in my life, I’d just want to feel wanted; even if it means robbing a bank.
I just won $8 on a scratch ticket. Lock up your girlfriends, I got that double cheeseburger money
[funeral]
Wife: he looks so peaceful
Me: yeah I gave the priest an edible
My wife makes us recycle everything.
*empties condom into sink*
[gently waking my Mom] I think I left my feather earring at bingo last night
Liquor Store Parking
I didn’t come here to be called names
Current beard: Outdoor woodsman
Current body: Indoor couchman
Son: Have you ever heard of Busta Rhymes?
Dad: Sure, grew up listening to him
Son: So he’s like 100 years old?
I would rather lie there and accept death than try to get out of a hammock while anyone is watching me.
Every Adele song is about lasagna.
As a girl who grew up with an annoying little sister the most unrealistic thing about Frozen is how Elsa never tried to kill Anna on purpose
My nickname is Phantom Menace, because I also came out in 1999 and am not that popular.
Me: I got bitten on my walk by a Great Dane
Her: My God – imagine if it had been a small child
Me: I could have fought off a small child, Alice
Thinking about this 37 year old baby from a flight safety brochure
My family can’t decide what kind of Lab to get (Chocolate, Yellow, Black, etc.) so we drew straws.
I won, so we’re getting a Meth.
Guy: Why does everyone call you “Gross Gary”?
Gary: [filling a canteen with hotdog water] Nobody calls me that.
If you know shes had a bad day just ask her how she is doing. Then when shes talking you can think of a good tweet that makes fun of her day
my child dressed himself up as a police car. no not a police officer, a police car
Friend: How long till school starts?
Me: 8 days, 13 hours, 26 mins, 14 secs.
They say dress for the job you want not the job you have so I’m wearing no pants. Boss seems angry tho. She must know I’m looking elsewhere.
Stephen is a much nicer name than “hen from a previous marriage.”
Her: There’s a spider on the bathroom floor!
Me: See that thing at the bottom of your leg? That’s a foot. Make it land on the spider.
PRIEST: Is there any reason these two shouldn’t be wed?
ME: *from the back* SHE HOLDS ONTO CHECKS FOR MONTHS & THEN CASHES THEM UNEXPECTEDLY