It’s not about the sacrifices you have to make, it’s about making sure your knife is sharp and they can’t wiggle away.
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Her: I’m leaving you
Me: Why though?
Her: You lie to me constantly
Me: Ha! You don’t just leave the man who invented the spatula!
Wanted:
1 Psychic.You know who you are.
I was attacked by two different owls. I think they were in cahoots.
Improve a famous quote by adding or replacing a word with tacos.
Only a life lived for tacos is a life worthwhile. — Albert Einstein
Prisons and psych wards in movies always make it seem like an indignity, but I think it’d be nice to receive food through a slot in my door.
Him: What are you watching?
Me: Um, it’s like a foreign documentary
Him: What’s it called?
Me: I don’t actually remember
Him: Is it 90 Day Fiancé?
Me: yeah
Told my wife I’d marry her all over again, and we both understood it would only be to get more gifts.
When someone RTs me, I get as excited as I used to when I was ten and I got mail
I’m going green for the holidays.
Grinch green.
Autocarrot sucks!
I’m not a religious person but I am thankful that God didn’t make spiders that fly.
Got attacked by a pigeon this morning and accidentally won a 5k road race.
Before therapy: I hate people
After therapy: I hate therapists
Proofread twice, hang posters once
they should invent a type of situation that improves.
Don’t you just hate it when you order a book called “Cooking with children” and none of the recipes involves them as an ingredient?
Home Alone: Abandoned by his loved ones, a young boy must survive a violent home invasion. (Family, Comedy)
My dog, every day, brings out a shoe, a shoe of mine in my current shoe rotation, and won’t let it go until I give her a bully stick. It’s extortion!
“If you’re happy and you know it, Stay in Bed. If you’re happy and you know it, Stay in Bed. If you’re happy and you know it, getting up will surely blow it. If you’re happy and you know it, STAY IN BED!”
Romeo: I lost my cow
Juliet: wherefore art cow Romeo?
Do not tell a kid you didn’t understand his joke unless you have 4 hours free to hear the explanation.
Everybody’s getting Oreos with their Christmas cards this year.
Related: Don’t eat cookies while you’re licking envelopes.
I wore pink pants to work today and multiple people thought I was not wearing pants at first glance. So what I’m saying is…I am so classy that several people considered that I may have been pantsless. At work.
what do you want to eat?
what are you in the mood for?
Me, first week as a volunteer firefighter thinking we only rescue cats: We’re going where?
First rule of double entendre club is please let us know if you’re coming
Daddy bear: “My porridge is too hot.”
Mummy bear: “My porridge is too cold.”
Baby bear: “Aren’t we supposed to eat fish?
I’ll only go to your NYE party if I can bring a -1.
Like, I show up, pick a person, and then they have to go home.
Always take one positive friend & one negative friend on road trips. Then if your battery dies, you can hook cables to them & start your car