All these new parents wanting time to slow down, and I’m over here trying to get a fake ID for my 4YO so she can go buy Mommy’s wine.
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“I can’t hear you because my eyes are closed.”
– my kid, showing off my exemplary homeschool skills
Pretty much the most frightening part of my day is when I get a notification that my mother has tagged me in a post on Facebook.
A puppy can stab a girl in the face then steal her bag & she’d still be like, “Awwww a puppy.”
FASHION BOSS: any new ideas?
ME: how about a shirt with a hat
F: so a hoodie?
M: I call it a shat and as I say it out loud I hear my mistake
Boom, boom, ching!
How much more of this can I take?
* piles food on buffet plate *
Kanye West should open up a vegan restaurant called Imma Let You Spinach
[first day as Uber driver]
ME: *weaving through traffic*
PASSENGER: *gripping seat* can you maybe finish the basket later?
What my girlfriend thought, first 4 dates:
1. Nice shirt.
2. Wow. A second nice shirt.
3. Okay, first shirt again.
4. He has two shirts.
[Couple saying their vows in church]
ME *stands up* I know why these two should not be wed. SHE’S ALREADY MARRIED!
EVERYONE *gasps*
ME: AND SO IS HE!
EVERYONE *gasps*
COUPLE: Yeah we’re renewing our vows
ME *sits down* I did not know that
My conservative, 94-year-old grandfather and I don’t see eye to eye on a lot, but every now and then, I’m reminded of our similarities. Today, he emailed me a video asking a really important question—what if we put all of our trash in volcanoes?
It was the worst of times, it was the worst of times.
-2020
Nobody:
My 6-year-old: Can somebody in this building PLEASE tell me if black bears are nice?
“Dude, we should swap spacesuits. Just for a laugh.”
“Ha, yeah ok.”
[swaps suits]
“Now we sh-”
“You took a shit in this, didn’t you?”
Mayonnaise is basically sandwich moisturizer.
Just realized the Master Card logo is a Venn diagram.
I’m tired of the unrealistic beauty standards promoted by the avian media.
Husband: *passes hearing test* Please tell my wife that I failed.
Me: [from the waiting room]
I heard that!
WIFE: If you embarrass me in public again, I’m leaving you
[Single Ladies comes on the jukebox]
ME: *rising to my feet* Well, we had a good run
A guy offered to take me anywhere I wanted to go on a first date and had the audacity to ghost me after I replied, “An axe throwing range?”
Me: Look, I love you, But I made exactly the amount of cheese & crackers I want to eat right now.
Wife: But I only…
Me: EXACTLY the amount
Everybody thinks I’m wearing this barrel as some sort of old timey commentary on poverty and capitalism. But really, some dick sorcerer turned my torso into a barrel of gunpowder so I’m headed over to their house with a box of matches to make them regret it.
Me: Table for four, please. And can we get some crayons?
Her: Will there be children dining today?
Me: No. The crayons are for me.
Accordion to a recent survey, inserting musical instruments into sentences largely goes unnoticed.
17 year-old Malia Obama playing beer pong is the most outrageous thing the child of a president has done since George W. Bush invaded Iraq
“Waitress!”
Waitress: “Sir?”
“Could you check the rest-room? My date has been gone 2 hours. Also, her coat has been stolen”
When it’s “buy one, get one free,” I have them put the free one in a separate bag so I don’t get them mixed up.
That awkward moment when someone is cooking fish in the office and all the girls begin sniffing themselves.
Husband: You know how we could keep costs down on a really cold day?
Me: Setting fire to the house?
“sorry i went off topic haha” -me, never having been anywhere near a topic