Han: *approaches Endor in a shuttle*
Imperial officer: What’s the password?
Han: It’s “password.”
Vader: We should really change that.
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her: psssssssst
me: ?
her: psssssssssssssssssssssst
me: ???
her: psssssssssssssssssssssssssssstGOD DAMN IT, MY BLOW UP DOLL HAS A PUNCTURE
Responding to all selfies with “this should work.”
I replaced the bulb in my refrigerator with a tanning bulb… that way if I ever get fat, at least I’ll have nice color.
Just learned an important lesson: When texting “wish you were here,” that last e kind of makes it or breaks it.
model UN: we follow parliamentary procedure, you can’t just call “dibs”
me:
model UN: also you can only be countries that exist
me: the nation of flavortown declares war on the UN
Me: *pees on her leg*
Her: *screams*
Me: What?! You’re supposed to pee on someone when they sing!
Security: That’s for STINGS.
Me: *not allowed within 100 ft of Britney Spears anymore*
Cop: Do you have any drugs in the car?
Me: Nope, payday isn’t until Thursday.
the hardest part about going somewhere is people asking “who are you going with?” … definitely seems to be a sort of cultural norm quota limit on how many times you can answer that with “some guy from craigslist”
mental health is a lot like normal health in video games, where if your meter goes down you can just eat a can of baked beans to get it back up. you can get more mental health with the beans
Your friends will stand by you even when you’re at your worst because people are stupid
I can’t find my ceremonial porcupine.
My husband asked me why I never blink during sex, I told him there just isn’t enough time.
lady: omg your puppy is so cute whats his name
me: laser guardian
Date: You haven’t dated in awhile?
Me: [Wearing Hulk Hands struggling with a burrito] Why do you say that?
If I had the power to time travel, I’d use it to go back ten minutes when I screwed up a handshake and accidentally interlocked pinkies
healthy as a horse? they literally can’t walk down the street without shitting themselves but sure, ok
Home improvement
but it’s just me replacing the metal tubes in the neighbor’s wind chimes with tampons.
noah: two of every single species on earth
god: yes
noah: and a boat to fit them all
god: yes
noah: and people will ridicule me the whole time
god: yes
noah: and all my friends are going to die
god: yes
noah: but like the world will be good after that right
god: i mean
This is a bargain. I’ve always paid at least $5.
Outside, contemplating life, love, and happiness and if I should tell the neighbor that his kid has been stuck in a tree for three hours.
I can’t bend my pinky without my ring finger bending as well..is this normal?
Let’s hear your results ’cause I know you just tried it.
[Job interview]
Interviewer: Do you have any questions?
Me: Who closes the door when the bus driver gets off the bus?
Interviewer: Holy shit
Me: sobbing in the shower
Everyone else on the Bath aisle at Home Depot: eerily quiet
“I shot the sheriff but I did not shoot the deputy” is my favorite lyric about murdering law enforcement officials in moderation.
Running down the street dragging an entire bank behind me because I stole one of those pens attached to the little silver chain
I just read a thing that said I should compliment myself on my decisions, regardless of outcome. No thanks, I’m not the government.
Just because I quit smoking doesn’t mean I gave up getting up and randomly leaving the room for 10 minutes.
“GRAAAAAAIIIINNNNS” — Vegetarian Zombie
Everyone romanticizes the past until they get horribly sick and wake up covered in leeches.
Walked up to 2 guys talking business and told them “get a conference room!”