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Her: I don’t like you drinking vodka straight.
Me: Well, I can put on skinny jeans and purple V-neck to gay it up a little bit.
My 8 year old daughter and my teen son are being sweet to me again, all it took was breaking my arm.
[princess gets captured in a castle]
[princess breaths a sigh of relief cuz she knows 2 short Italian plumbers]
[visiting southern France]
Me: This is Nice
Wife: It’s pronounced Nice
Me: I said Nice
Wife: No, you said Nice
Me: Nice
Wife: Nice
*69 minutes later*
Me: Niiiiiiice
“I’m sorry you feel that way” is a bad apology. You need to be more specific. Next time try, “I’m sorry you feel the need to share that with me.”
I got so excited about my new pill box that now Alexa won’t stop suggesting assisted living facilities.
She can’t leave if you’re wearing all of her clothes.
Arrested by a cop on a tandem bike and I had to help pedal all the way down to the precinct. 😠
PHYSICIAN: some truly wonderful news
CURED HAM: thank you so much doctor
Big Foot rental costumes are surprisingly realistic and terrifying at 4am around the bonfire at the party I wasn’t invited to.
HBO’s Cookie Monster is much darker
If you’re going to text your boss that you’re an hour late, make sure you end with “I’m bringing you a ham and cheese croissant.”
Food FACT: Omelette takeaway restaurants were very popular in biblical times. The most famous of these was called Judas Eggscarryout.
Eating a banana.
Thought I should tell you. Twitter seems concerned about women getting enough potassium.But… why can’t I use my teeth?
no i didn’t do “research” to formulate my opinions. are u insane? they came to me in a vision
I’m not sure but I think the family from Honey Boo Boo is just a family of bears that were shaved down and shown how to shit indoors.
furnishing my new place and can’t pick what dining table or chairs I want. All I know is that my nachosaurus is on the way and needs somewhere to stand.
Going topless is a vibe. Yes my friend’s car is a convertible.
Fact: DJs who work at radio stations playing christmas music for two months are not allowed to wear belts or shoe laces.
My daughter’s school held a Multicultural Night at school which was amazing, so gorgeous, informative and fun but I had to put on a good bra so I can only give it a 5/10.
Commissioner Gordon: It says here that bats sleep upside down and wee over themselves.
Batman: We also poop.
CG: We?
B: They. I mean they
Them: Would you slap a coworker for
25 000$?Me: I’d do it for a Costco hot dog.
[sneeze one]
Bless you
[sneeze two]
Bless you
[sneeze three]
You are under arrest
Conspiracy implies the existence of pros piracy
dear law students: nothing in the civil rules prohibits yelling out latin phrases like harry potter spells.
No, Grandma; you can’t pull a Basic Instinct for extra potatoes at the retirement home.
me: i can’t believe how much i paid for these 800 thread count sheets
insomnia: me either
“Go ahead, caller….”
“Mom, you have to stop answering your phone that way.”
This is so embarrassing, what’s your name again?
– me, the first 30 times I meet everyone
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me, sweating: You finally found out I took my third grade teacher’s eraser without permission?
Cop:
Me:
Cop: Speeding
Me: Oh phew!