My greatest fear about not having children is that I might miss out on certain life experiences, such as getting caught in a bitter custody battle
You Might Also Like
we baptize all our dinosaurs just in case all that catholic shit turns out to be true
office jobs are so funny because you’ll be 24 and your greatest enemy in the world is a 55 year old woman named betty from finance
Not now mom I’m downloading a new virus from Limewire
My wife and I take turns going to our 11-year-old’s swim meets.
Two weeks in a row, when it was my turn, the meet got canceled.
Now our daughter always wants it to be my turn.
Looks like we all just want to stay home.
I made a Tinder account for 1st time ever today for some blog research and it’s going pretty well.
Missing area man described as boringly conventional, was easily found by multiplying height x width.
day 1: we’re in this together babe.
day 47: i can hear you breathing.
I often think about the time my ex thought I was cheating on him with a craft store
Slipknot sacked their drummer a few months ago, and suddenly Kate Middleton is nowhere to be seen?
Surely not a coincidence, she must be locked in rehearsals frantically learning their tour set list and getting a horror mask fitted.
Thank you for fixing my bends, but why on Earth did you crack my rims?!
Wife: Hey can you-
Me: Shhh. I’m in another stupid useless frigging Zoom meeting.
Boss: Okay just a reminder to put yourselves on mute.
I saw an attractive woman spank her kid in McDonalds after he threw his fries on the ground, so I also threw mine on the ground.
My brother and his girlfriend were complaining about jet lag in Paris so I told him to think of it as training for when they have children and never sleep again. Except they won’t be in Paris.
*seductively winces due to lower back pain
[band comes out for encore] DO YOU WANNA HEAR ONE MORE
crowd: YAAAAAHHHH
me: GETTING KINDA LATE GUYS
if you ever have baby fever just hang out with a toddler for a little bit?? this kid in the bagel shop just stared at me for a full minute and then announced to the entire room “I don’t LIKE HER HAIR” parents very apologetic but i’ve made an enemy for life
Now, where’s the sport in that?
My grasp of English, my journalism degree, and my sanity are all in question since I instructed my kids to put on “long sleeve pants” this morning
PSA: If your kid bumps into me one more time with your shopping cart I will unhinge my jaw and swallow him whole.
Slim pickings in the Valentines card aisle this morning. Wish me luck as I transform “Uncle” to look like “Wife.”
The last 60+ Miss Universe pageant winners have been from earth I don’t know man, seems fixed.
My girlfriend told me I was getting sex today. Oops. I better not jinx it.
*knocks on morning wood*
Why are top brands getting more attention while your unique, innovative ideas stay underrated? Here is some #ThursdayAdwisdom. The truth is that you may be missing out on one of the most fundamental rules of selling – grabbing consumer’s interest. #digitalmarketing
Oh really well you thought four inches was HUGE when we were talking about spiders.
(Ad for a baby)
• gently used
• can’t even kill you
• doesn’t shed
• poops on a learning curve
• goes from 0-60 in roughly 60 years
I always feel a little guilty when a bum catches me eating food out of the garbage because I want to, not because I need to.
Drinking ink won’t kill you, you’ll just dye a little inside.
If you were to open my fridge right now, you would ask yourself two things:
1. Why is there so much soy sauce
2. How did you make it past 14 years old
I’m not saying it’s been a while, but, the last time a girl got down on her knees for me, she showed me how to tie my shoelaces.
i went to my first post-vaccinated family party yesterday and instantly i was nostalgic for 2020