*Takes our kid away so my wife can have a break*
*Takes kid to pub*
*Bumps into wife at pub*
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Whoever named the moon did a horrible job, that thing controls our oceans they should’ve tried harder
Cop: know why I pulled you over?
“Hopefully to arrest me.”
Cop: [sees backseat full of screaming kids] sir, please step out of the vehicle.
Tobacco causes Cancer
Alcohol causes Dancer
[contacting you by Ouija board after murdering you]
AND ANOTHER THING
One day I’m gonna write a book about a recipe blogger that confesses to murder in every single recipe on their website but they never get caught because no one reads the 12 pages of text before the recipe.
no caffeine: day 6
-sleeping better
-stable moods
-less anxious
-can’t think straight
-i’m exhausted
-3 people are dead
[Bath & Body Works]
Me: I need a bottle of body lotion for my wife.
S: These are Buy 3 Get 1 Free.
Me: I just need this one here
S: That’s not Buy 3 Get 1 but it IS Buy 1 Get 2 and if you buy this one here it’s Buy 2 Get 3 Free.
Me [leaving with 300 bottles]: how did this happen
When I die, I’m donating my body to the theater department. The science department has enough bodies. I want to be a theater prop.
Palaeontology teaches us dinosaurs were flat and lived underground
When I die, I’m donating my body to pseudoscience. I hope they’ll use it as Bigfoot bait.
Sorry, the dog stood on my keyboard and liked that Instagram photo of you from 47 weeks ago.
For those of you worried about AI, I think we’ve got a few more years before Skynet is an issue.
“You’re a HORRIBLE parent!”
– my daughter because I won’t let her use a chainsaw to make a treehouse.
You know that button in the elevator with the fireman´s hat on it.
Turns out that is not the button you press to get a fireman´s hat.
What’s the dumbest thing you bought when you were drunk?
I spent $30 on fish food and I don’t have a fish
In a library, I find it’s best to slap a book closed and whip off my glasses after coming across some unexpectedly harrowing information.
Judge: Have you any words before I pronounce sentence?
Me: Yes. Could you also pronounce Worcestershire?
[French restaurant]
DANIEL: Promise me, not again
MIYAGI: Promise. [raises hand] Garcon?
[waiter comes]
D: Don-
M: [waves hand] Garcoff
“our sushi is very fresh”
Always.
(Click “gift options” for merch:
You know you’re a real a&&**** when you go in for a colonoscopy and come out with a sore throat.
[watching Ratatouille]
me: I think I could do thather: be a chef?
me: be manipulated by an animal
Depressed? Try changing your bedding. Cedar chips are for guinea pigs & may not be right for you
Before going to the dentist I like to eat taffy & pumpkin seeds. It’s makes me feel like I’m getting my money’s worth.
Guess what!
Some blacks don’t like whites, some whites don’t like blacks!
And nobody likes Mexicans!
Big deal! Who cares!
I was 16 when I first saw a dream-catcher, but back then everyone called them school careers advisors
*Arrives at work 2 hrs late
Boss: HR wants to see you about your behavior
Me: Well, I literally just got here so it couldn’t have been me
There’s no human I hate more than the attendant in the bathroom at bars. Bro, I can handle this portion of my day ASSISTANCE FREE.
I only carry an old Spencer’s gift card in my wallet because I think it would be funny to get mugged and say “I hope you like lava lamps”
My family doesn’t have a swear jar, but we do have a totes perf jar. If you say totes or perf, we throw a jar at you