airbnb implies earthbnb, firebnb, and waterbnb
You Might Also Like
Small children who dress as Batman must be forced to fight crime. To teach them a lesson, about lying
My DNA results came back and apparently I’m .0002% aardvark. Which pretty much answers all the questions I’ve ever had. About anything.
I hate weddings, funerals and the symphony. I never know when to clap.
I use italics as a form of revenge. Being a writer has ruined my posture, so I’m going to do the same to these words.
muhammad ali: float like a butterfly
jellyfish: done
muhammad ali: sting like a bee
jellyfish: i am nailing this
Mac & cheese implies the existence of PC & cheese
No thanks. If I wanted flaky I’d date a pie crust.
Purchased an hourglass for my desk at work to flip when people stop by to make them uncomfortable.
Me: *reads a lot, has many books, all things considered, a book person*
Person: So, what’s your favourite book?
Me: I cannot think of one book that I have read. I have never read a single book. What are books?
This pepper has seen some shit
If your name is Candy you shouldn’t be allowed to work at a weight loss clinic. It just seems cruel.
Not all heroes wear capes….
them: how are you
you: [desperately aware that herds are necessary for survival] normal
Me: when is your birthday
Her: March 1st
Me: *walking around the room* when is your birthday?
I started to go to yoga today and then I remembered that I could lie on the floor in my own house without driving anywhere.
[accepting a compliment]
you are wrong
[Olive Garden]
PATRON: there are so many types of pasta
WAITER: [required to say this] yes…*clenches teeth* the pastabilities are endless
Him: I love you to the moon.
Me: And back?
Him: Shhh, let’s just get you to the moon.
Guess who just won the laser tag tournament at the senior center AGAIN
*Dino-Jesus preaching to the dinosaurs*
“Let he who is without sin cast the first stone.”
*Asteroid crushes Earth*
“Dammit Dad.”
dog math is dividing the number of secret service agents you bite by seven
don’t ask me “what dat mouth do?” if you’re not prepared to hear it burp the alphabet.
[staring up at the sky]
ME: what does that cloud look like to you?
11YR OLD DAUGHTER: I’d say it’s a semi-transparent altocumulus, or at least something of the stratocumuliform physical category
ME: well I see a corn dog
On a girl’s vacation while drunk, we all bought hotdogs and then tried to give someone directions. I gestured so emphatically that I slung the wiener right out of my bun and into the street, and then ate it anyway because a $5 dog is a $5 dog. Follow me for more financial advice
3.14159265358979WISH32384626433THIS832795028WAS8419716939937REAL51058PIE2097494AND45923078NOT16JUST40628MATH620899862BULLSHIT803482534211706
Watching horror movies has convinced me that answering a phone never ends well for anyone.
My wife hid the wrong eggs 3 months ago & now there are about 100,000 baby sea turtles walking through our neighborhood asking for directions.
Recipe for homemade charcoal:
1. Put dinner in the oven.
2. Sit down to check one quick thing on the internet…
[calling work after accidentally tapping the switch that adjusts the driver’s seat] yeah im gonna be a few hours late
How to create a weight-loss program: (1) Take a before picture. (2) Eat like a pig. (3) Take an after picture. (4) Switch the pictures.