“Daddy, did you know Pluto was recently reclassified as a dwarf planet, or plutoid?”
“Sweetie, I’m pretty sure he’s a dog.”
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[after sex]
her: you were really loudme: *putting down my trombone* yep
Me: *scratches another tally mark into these prison walls*
Boss: stop damaging the office walls!
Her: I like dangerous sex, like in a moving car!
Me: Have you ever had an accident?
Her: No, I’m on the pill.
Me: (Sigh)
First in my neighborhood to cut the grass and now the other husbands are looking at me like I reminded the teacher to assign homework.
My cat had been housebound for two weeks after beating up another cat in that cat’s house. I let her out yesterday just to see if she was ready to be a law abiding citizen. She went straight to go beat up that cat again 🙃 she’s back inside indefinitely
I live in fear of my kids going outside when it’s raining, because they could get wet and multiply.
teacher: your son doesn’t think that 6 is a number
me: oh lol totally forgot we told him that
My neighbor asked me to plant a carrot in her garden and it was not a euphemism.
I have to go pack now. The movers are here.
I made a barista at Starbucks cry when I put my name down as “Dad” and he just stood there calling it over and over
losing it at this lady preaching abstinence at LSU and the students just going buck wild
I’m beginning to think the dark circles that appeared under my eyes in 2008 may not go away.
Me: If you pay a mime enough, they’ll talk
The other mimes at the protest: [visibly furious]
I want to see a movie about “Bottom Gun,” the worst pilots in the Navy.
I should be getting paid for getting up at 3 am. to go pee.
Pretty convinced that my left eyebrow and my right eyebrow belong to two different people with very different lifestyles.
SCIENTISTS: there are only 90 seconds remaining on the doomsday clock
ME: [73 seconds still remaining on my microwave hotdog] c’mon… c’monnn
Mother’s Day is great b/c you get to wake up to your kids fighting over who gets to give you your card first instead of regular fighting.
If you need a smile today, here’s a wonderful outtake with Robin Williams and Elmo 😂❤️
If anyone wants a more cost effective energy provider, I can supply endless energy on tap from my absolutely not tired child at bedtime.
PATIENT: Doc, I haven’t been able to bone my wife lately and I really think-
DR DOG: Wait. Tell me more about the bone part
I’m suppose to give my wife an injection today but she’s worried cuz she’s seen my many struggles with Capri Sun straws.
ME: Please, I beg you, just tell me the ingredients.
RECIPE SITE: Sure!
ME: Thank you.
RECIPE SITE: After I explain WHY I love these ingredients—
ME: *Whispers* No.
RECIPE SITE: —It was a crisp, fall evening, and I, a wide-eyed college student, was studying in Rome.
[pearly gates]
ANGEL: bad jokes are not allowed in heaven
ME: ok
ANGEL: that means absolutely no puns
ME: abSOULutely
*clouds turn to fire*
my new hobby
creating totally reasonable units that somehow upset people
– kiloLiters
– megameters
– milliinches
I have a black cat called Blackie and a fish called Fishface, so I get it guy who named the Walkie talkie.
It’s not embarrassing falling down the stairs as long as you shout ‘parkour!’ after
I thought I was being clever, putting the litter box on wheels so I could slide it out from under the stairs, but I have inadvertently created a Mad Max-esque vehicle which my cat uses to roll around the house, dragging himself with his front paws, the entire time shitting.
When reading a friend’s work, always remember, it’s helpful to give brutally honest notes, especially if you have too many friends.
Concierge: I’m afraid we’re all booked up this evening
Me: Maybe this will change your mind *slides bill across desk*
Concierge: Sir…
Me: If you want the rest of your duck you’ll find us a table
ME: You have a beautiful home.
HER: I’m a bartender. You’re at a bar.