I’m thankful my wife harvested over $100,000 in potatoes on Farmville while I ate a grilled cheese for dinner & am sleeping on dirty laundry
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me: *finally falling back asleep in the middle of the night*
my brain: *make her think she heard the doorbell*
He died doing what he did best, trying to get a croc to wear a Croc.
Me, walking around the limbo bar: Imbeciles
Gift cards: the best way to say “Here. You figure it out.”
My dad: don’t tell your mom I got her a camera until Christmas morning
Me: [12:01 am Christmas morning] wake up mom, dad got you a camera
got a huge lump of coal in my stocking which was awesome because it was starting to get pretty cold.
I like to throw bottles into the ocean with notes that just say, k.
GANG LEADER: do these drugs to prove you’re not a cop
ME: how would that prove i’m not a cop?
GANG LEADER: cause cops hate drugs
ME: nonsense. i’m a cop and i love them ah crap
If you yell mosquito you can slap anyone in the face
co-worker: congratulations on getting engaged, do you have a date for the wedding?
me [an idiot]: yes my fiancee.
Men always be like “if you liked me, why didn’t you say something” like ?! bro I am literally out here clutching my rose quartz pendant and saying your name three times with my eyes closed every night before I fall asleep.
What more could I have done?
An app that tells you if there’s anyone at the grocery store you’ll have to make small talk with.
Q: What did the Square say to the Rhombus?
A: If it is not a Right Angle it is a Wrong Angle.
My boyfriend is not like other guys. He wants to date me
[first date]
Him: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a meteorologist.
Him: Cool. I love meat.
Were PacMan and Ms.PacMan married or brother and sister? Have some fanfic that’s either really awesome or really disturbing riding on this.
You can’t give everyone everything they need. You are not a cruise ship.
I say ‘tomato’, you say ‘put your hands where I can see them and exit the vehicle slowly’ .
Boss: “Do you know why I called you in here?”
Me: “To see if I can read minds?”
Imagine having a party on purpose.
Roadtripping with my family has taught me that my marriage can withstand anything except roadtripping with my family.
You sit there and think about what you’ve done
-Me, leaving dishes in the sink to soak overnight
Hey morons, when in doubt, just spell it “theiyr’re.”
I waited around all morning for the mailman so I could grab his hand through the mail slot.
[1st date]
DATE: When I’m with a handsome man I get all nervous & involuntarily start speaking French
ME [leans across] Oh really?
DATE: Yes
The guy at the dispensary sold me on live resin edibles and said “just start with one and see how u feel after 45 mins” but i said to myself hey my tolerance is high i can probably take 3 . it’s been 20 mins and i fear i’ve made a grave mistake.
Girl, did you take a massage therapy course at a community college with questionable credentials? Because you’re rubbing me the wrong way.
*holds boombox over my head outside your window
Me (shouting) Do you have eight “C” batteries?
One of our insect keepers said she had butterflies in her stomach but she didn’t seem all that nerv-SONOFA!