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Me *chatting up another mom at the playground*: What an adorable name for a boy!
Her: Thanks. We named him after our favorite water bottle company
Me: Omg, my legs are like jello!
Trainer: You stood up.
Me: Sooo sore!!
My kid, “mumma, what is ‘u’ doing in the spelling of a building?”.
This guy is heading back in to town. His wife has been sick for months, and his recent indiscretions weigh heavily on his mind. He eyes the oncoming cement truck, and feels a pull. He could leave this all behind with one turn of the-
Son: I don’t want to play hot wheels anymore
Cop: you’re under arrest. we found your blood at the crime scene
Me: how??
[Earlier]
Me: better floss before drowning this guy
*neighbors putting mountain bikes on the car*
you guys headed down to the pawnshop?
The first rule of hydration club is where is your restroom?
When you need a dentist who’s also a snake handler. That.
had a talk with my manager where i told him it’s hard to do my job when i’m left off of emails/meetings and he said “well when you’re left out just let me know” and then i stared at him until he went “but if you were left out, you wouldn’t know….”
Keep your friends close and your enemies wrapped in plastic ready for that long drive to the desert.
My wife asked me to get the house ready as her friend is sleeping here tonight so as an optimist our bed now has 3 pillows.
*notices battery is at 4%*
*goes into airplane mode*
*turns down brightness*
*exits all apps*
*prays to jesus and compliments his sandals*
My warrior status is dramatically reduced every time I check my phone to see what I ordered instead of opening the box.
My hot flashes are so bad, I can defrost the freezer in the time it takes to choose a popsicle.
I slid my foot into my slipper in the dark this morning and there was a sock laying on it. Let’s just say I didn’t know it was a sock, and I’m happy to report I’ve set a new long jump world record.
Everyone has that one vegetable that brings up memories of an ex
They should combine weather forecasts with horoscopes. “Tomorrow there’s a 60% chance of rain and a 40% chance you’ll reconnect with an old friend.”
MOVING IS AWESOME
I GET TO PACK UP ALL MY THINGS AND SLOWLY REALIZE THAT THE MATERIAL GOODS I SPENT YEARS WORKING TO AFFORD HAVE BECOME AN ANCHOR FROM WHICH I WILL NEVER BE FREE
OH AND I MUST FORWARD MY MAIL
Wife: Want do you want for dinner?
Me: Surprise me.
Wife: I used to be a man.
Me: . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Pizza.
All conclusions should be drawn in crayon.
Luggage is like children. If you leave the airport with two out of three suitcases you did alright.
Wifi so slow at my parent’s house that we actually got to know each other better.
Here we go again. #MAsnow ❄️
Today’s short poem is called ‘Passwords’.
My kid is having lasagna for breakfast.
Omg I’m raising Garfield!!
ME: Can I borrow your car?
FRIEND: You already borrowed my car.
ME: *nervously* Can I borrow another one?
My GPS just told me to turn left into a cornfield and now I’m afraid it wants to murder me.
Solving a traffic jam
There’s a butterfly in my office and a nerf gun in my purse. Susan, clear my schedule.