The first thirteen years on Twitter are the hardest
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Teaching 3 pigeons how to mosh
Shot to the heart
And you’re to blame
You drink shots
With bad aim
No one:
Absolutely no one:
My 5yo: I wanna know how people break out of jail.
#ThisMakesMeLaugh
Autocorrect changed fries to friend and I think I’ve offered to eat my friend. I’m not sure if I should clarify, or see where it goes.
Unlike smoking, vaping doesn’t reduce your sex drive. It just reduces the sex drive of the people who see you vaping.
Jokes on you hot chick at the bar who gave me a radio station’s phone number I just won Harlem Globetrotter tickets and a Bud Light poncho.
Having little kids is great because I love spending hundred of dollars each week to feed my floor and my trash can
Please stop saying “There are plenty of fish in the sea”. I’m sick of having sex with fish!!
My GPS just told me to turn left into a cornfield and now I’m afraid it wants to murder me.
I asked my 5yo if he wanted leftover chicken for dinner, he said ‘ew, that’s a whole day old’ and I didn’t know I gave birth to a mini Gordon Ramsey.
The life lesson I most regret instilling in my children is “never give up.” There are days when my ability to guess which random object my toddler is hiding behind her back determines if I’m late to work or not.
I tried to help by doing my daughter’s hair once and a kind old lady offered her a hot meal and a warm place to sleep.
Truthful Tuesday: If a rapper raps about how much money he has then I download his music for free.
I have 2 moods:
NAMASTE
&
NAMASTAB
Doctor: so what type of birth control are you using?
Me: my appearance
Terminator: I’LL BE BACK
Me: Ok so I’ll see you…termi-later haha
Terminator: Actually I probably won’t be back
A meth lab sounds like a terrible dog.
[coworker starts talking to me at my cubicle]
Welp, nice chatting. This is my stop.
[puts in earbuds]
Okay, I’m still confused…
Runner: What’s your fastest race?
Me: Taking the trash out at night
[car slides off road in a snowstorm]
Stranger: you need a tow?
Me: no Sir 10 is enough for me[we both laugh as he drives away]
[still stuck 10 hours later]
Wife:
Me: I regret nothing
I wanna be rich enough to realize that I can’t buy happiness.
One day I’m going to cure blindness. You’ll see! You’ll all see!
[science fair]
Judge: each contestant is scored on 5 factors with the highest being the winner
Me: long sandwiches should have suitcase handles
Judge: ok you’re definitely the highest
Sorry you saw that piece of corn but I tried flushing five times and it just wouldn’t go down.
Is it normal for a cat to get smarter? When Max was a kitten he was really dumb but now he reads at an 8th grade level
Therapists only want one thing and frankly it’s discussing.