Ironically I’m watching an exercise infomercial because I’m too lazy to get the remote.
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Why are all of these OnlyFans accounts following me? I’m not going to pay for your nudes, I can look at myself naked in the mirror for free
This week’s mood.
[Tinder]
Dora: Swiper no swiping!
Swiper: Oh mannn…
Son: Dad, I want to be in politics when I grow up.
Dad: Are you insane?
Have you completely lost your mind?
Are you a moron?Son: Forget it! There are way too many requirements!
The longer you’re married, the more foreplay it takes to get her excited. I’m up to a week and a half now 🤨
I wouldn’t say I want to write a book so much as I want to have written a book
Biden: I painted “Michelle Obama 2020” on your bedroom ceiling
Obama: 😳
Biden: Glow in the dark paint
[reincarnated as a giant squid at the bottom of the ocean] i did something right
Assume that everyone, no matter what the situation, is doing improv theatre for your amusement.
Other people are gettin these amber alerts, right? Like, it’s not up to me to find these kids?
My mother’s relationship with waitstaff assumes that the menu is an enemy code they’ll decrypt together.
Boss: Did you get my email?
Me: Yes. It had italics, all-caps, and highlighting and I had no idea how to prioritize that information.
If someone finds a long red hair in the meal I’ve prepared, I yell “YOU WIN” and toss them a piece of candy.
me: ted is coming over tonight
wife: i always feel ostricized when ted is over
me: hun, *i take her hand* you are nothing like a giant bird
*bomb timer counting down from 2 minutes*
Me: [quickly youtubes how to disarm a bomb]
*3 minute unskippable ad plays*
Me: Hmm, food is a splurge. Can’t afford it this week.
*sees a talking Batman cup*
Me: I absolutely need this right now or I’ll die
When people write to tell me I’m not good at comedy, I reply “Well you’re not good at fan mail” then we all laugh &they are proved wrong.
Never knew kids were magicians until they started magically appearing at the sound of wrappers opening
real
My family’s dull. All through his teens my brother had his head buried in a book before dad exhumed it & reattached to the rest of his body.
I really think Miracle Whip lowered the bar for what constitutes a miracle.
I don’t go to high school reunions because Facebook lets me judge my old classmates every day and not just every 10 years
The woman beside me is reading a cocktail recipe book like a novel and I’m pretty sure I found my soul mate.
Friend: I can’t stand one-uppers.
Me: I can’t stand them more.
I’m rubber, you’re glue. He’s scissors, she’s a toner cartridge, those fellas are paperclips. Welcome to the supply closet pal.
Apparently banging the hell out of this remote doesn’t seem to be recharging these dead batteries.
My wife put a Jason Momoa poster on the ceiling and now she wants to have sex with the lights on, I call it a win though cause now I don’t have to feel around on the nightstand for my Oreos.
*spider-man pacing the ceiling while Mary Jane is in the bathroom taking a pregnancy test*
My kidneys: WE NEED WATER!!
My bladder: Don’t listen to them.
My husband sure has a lot of opinions on which movie he’s gonna sleep through.