Science is tricky. Keeps you on your toes.
Mineralogy? Study of minerals.
Oceanology? Study of oceans.
Meteorology? NOT ABOUT METEORS.
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My wife has a “work husband” so I’m having him come over to load the dishwasher and get yelled at for doing it wrong
chews marshmallows with bovine intensity
*my casket slowly begins lowering into the ground*
me, knocking from inside: “Wait, I have to pee.”
POTATO MAGICIAN: is this your carb
It’s one of life’s cruellest jokes that just as your kids reach an age where they’ll allow you to sleep through the night, your bladder hits the age that says, ‘no you won’t!’
Never underestimate the power of a hug. Or a slap upside the head. Whatever works.
I’m one of those lucky people that can eat whatever they want and not put on any clothes.
Dear teenage kids of mine,
When you tell me that I’m embarrassing you, I think back to all those toddler years when you embarrassed me.
So I’m going to keep dancing in the aisles of the grocery store and singing in the car with the windows down because that’s karma!
I hope that when the zombies finally do come, they’re all dyslexic and they only go after Brians.
Nurse: strip down to your underpants
Me: ok *removes pants to reveal second pair of pants*
[phone call]
murderer: I know where u live
me: it’s just til I get back on my feet
When they try to steal your moment.
In my spare time I enjoy going to the theatre, listening to music, and cooking Indian food, although everyone watching the play never seems very impressed.
The most dangerous types of canoes are volcanoes.
I only sleep with my laptop so that if I ever get a boyfriend I’ll be used to sharing the bed
There’s no 5 second rule at my house.
The dog is much quicker than that.
honestly, i need both:
Why should I have to take a first aid course? Why is this on me? Why don’t you take a “how to eat sandwiches without choking” course?
My dad and I went to a restaurant and the waiter pointed at the QR code on the wall and said “thats our menu” and left and my dad looked at it really close and said “Is this some kind of joke”
Around my neighborhood I’m affectionately known as “Please stop taking pictures of my flowers you weirdo.”
Time machine jokes are offensive to me. A time machine killed my great-great-grandson.
When I die, I want them to write that I died of supernatural causes, but offer no explanation.
Maybe print wouldn’t be dying if they still employed tough dirty children to yell at me to read all about it
if I would’ve known that you were going to ask me what I was thinking I wouldn’t have been thinking what I was thinking.
mike wazowski: *rubs lamp*
genie: *emerging* what’s your first wish?
mike wazowski: i want revenge on pixar for giving me one eye
genie: *looks at the lamp*
lamp: *jumps on the pixar’s i*
genie: i for an eye 🙂
50,000 retweets and our professor will let us get our medical degrees without taking our finals! I want to be a pediatric heart surgeon, let’s goooooooo
Police officer: Ma’am do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: I’m just as confused as you are.
Turtleneck pro: if you wear one while you’re eating you can’t get crumbs in your bra.
Turtleneck con: see above.
I’m one of those lucky people that can eat whatever they want and not put on any clothes.
All my money goes to the poor…poor me.