Fact: an Owl’s head can rotate up to 840°, before it comes off in your hand.
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If you stare at an ice-cube for long enough you can pretend you have laser-eyes.
I would marry Christopher Walken just so I could listen to him talk and regret it three months in.
Programming is chaotic magic. There are no rules. You ask a game dev “Can the player summon a giant demon that bursts from the ground in an explosion of lava?” and they’ll say “sure, that’s easy” and then you’ll ask “can the player wear a scarf?” and they’ll go “oof”
ME: My favorite was always Raphael, but I liked Donatello a lot too
DATE: Aww so you were a big fan as a kid?
ME *pulling my credit card from my Ninja Turtles wallet*: Hmm?
My mom shared an old picture of my brother and I on FB today. Wanted to make sure Debbie knew what was up.
They say you should dress for the job you want then send you home as “the stormtrooper suit is not appropriate work attire”
Stop being racist to kettles.
I’ve been a YouTube creator for almost an hour, yet somehow I haven’t been monetized yet?
Lets all Twittercide at the same time & not tell a Will Smith parody account, 1 dog account, & all the zombie people just to freak him out.
The 8yo disrupted my sleep again, so I texted my mom at 2AM to ask when it stops.
I have done about 300 crunches for my new exercise routine.
299 of them are Nestlé.
Don’t call me a party animal then get upset that I pooped on your carpet.
“I enjoy long walks…”
-Zombies
Client: “I want to learn how to use the ATM”
Me: “Sure no prob!”
~~~~*Standing outside in the rain in front of the ATM*
Me: “ok first put your card in the machine”
Client: “Oh I don’t have one”
Me *blinking intensely*
[Inventing Canadians]
Angels: *giggling* omg they’re SO nice!
God: Oh yeah? Check this out. *drops hockey puck*
I hate hotel duvets. They are so thick, i can’t close my suitcase.
one time i accidentally spilled some tabasco sauce on my grandma’s ouija board & the next thing i knew my pontiac fiero was on fire
Three words no parent ever wants to hear when dropping their kid at a play date: “Come on in.”
ME: So how fast are you at making suits?
TAYLOR SWIFT: …
If you love someone don’t do anything. Just wait, see what happens. Maybe it will go away
My doctor told me to get my affairs in order. So line up guys, let’s get you numbered.
famous: well-known for Good reasons
infamous: well-known for Bad reasons
therefore
flammable: catches on fire for Good reasons
inflammable: catches on fire for Bad reasons
I want my house spotless but kicking my kids out seems wrong
Marriage is like when you were a kid on Easter and saw this HUGE chocolate bunny in your basket.
But it was hollow. And white chocolate.
Flex on houseplants by drinking water whenever you want
Why procrastinate today when you can procrastinate tomorrow?
Me: Your honor, he’s not asking the witness any questions. He’s just reading Harry Potter to the jury.
Judge: Yeah, I’m gonna allow it.
“I Got a new dress for date night!”
Hub: Thats sexy! I like the zipper going down the front *winks*
“This is the garment bag you idiot”
Making a wreath of all my kids’ lost teeth to hang on my door to ward off solicitors.
*road trip*
husband, day 1: absolutely no eating in the car
husband, day 4: *handing brisket to the kids in the backseat*