Who has two thumbs and refused to read the instruction manual for his electric carving knife? Not my Uncle Joel, that’s for sure.
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My kid woke me up a 5:30 am because he was too hot. Never thought of myself as an extraordinary problem solver, but I told him to take his blanket off.
There are poor, helpless kids in Africa who really need our help. But there’s also kids with machine guns so I’m not going.
*stops midway* wait….did you say shrek or shark
-me as a tattoo artist
Only recently discovering that math is a branch of science probably explains my math marks in high school.
No handshakes?! Then how am I supposed to know when the mating ritual is over?
Wearing shirts of bands you don’t listen to is like refusing to eat the cupcake, but cool walking around with frosting all over your face.
Me:*delete pics*
IPhone: you sure?
M:Yes
IP: Ok I’ll just put them over here
Me:delete them
IP: Ok *whispers* keeping them on the cloud tho
I opened a new package of Oreos and ate half of it which is bad because now I need to eat the other half and bury the empty package in the garbage, or my family will know that I ate half a package of Oreos in one night.
It’s been a while since I’ve flown out of the Nashville airport. It’s mayhem. The bachelorette parties have continued into the terminal. Just saw a bro getting escorted out by police, he had pissed himself and was joyfully saying “trust me. Y’all WANT me on that plane!”
[first date with a therapist]
ME: so, tell me about myself
I found a new way to get my wife to wash the car. When ever it gets dusty I write the following on it:
“I wish my Wife was this Dirty”.
Let’s face facts, we all secretly suspected civilisation was just a phase.
Good day meowlady
* tips cat
Screw hybrid cars! We should all be driving buses! No clue what their fuel consumption is but I know I’ve never seen a bus at a gas station.
When dealing with the police it’s important to always remain calm and be white.
I love in films like 300 where the main guy will say something like “get some sleep, for tomorrow we battle to death”, and everyone just goes into deep sleep, in some wet grass, fully clothed. I can’t get to sleep in a warm bed if I have a 10am conference call about content.
My mom always put safety first. She used to warn me about running with scissors as we rode in her convertible with no seatbelts going 80 mph on the highway after she had a few beers.
*Bruno Mars on the radio*
Wife: Would you catch a grenade for me?
Brain: Just say, YES!
Me: Has the pin been pulled?
Brain: Idiot!
Interviewer: why did you leave your last job?
Me: hmm that’s a tough one. I guess I’d probably have to say listening is my biggest strength
My wife just caught me naked FaceTiming someone so can one of you pretend to be a TeleMed urologist?
me: hey remember when we hid the stamps from the kids?
my brain: yup!
me: where did we put those?
my brain:
me:
my brain: ok, you’re never gonna believe this
The key to a really good breakup is just to think “What would Meg Ryan do?” Sure, you’ll still be a sad, sniffling, anxious mess, but now you’ll be an adorable, sad, sniffling anxious mess.
[Safari hunt]
(Ok don’t tell them I’m an elephant)
*Adjusts hat and shades*
“Elephant?. Yes that way.”
*Points with trunk*
Nothing brings a large group of neighbors together like something that’s none of their business.
be the person your targeted ads think you should be
If I were British I would carry around a monocle and drop it whenever I was horrified
friend: hey are you up for a blind date tomorrow night?
me: sure
friend: does 8 sound good?
me: nah that’s out of my league, better find me a 4
it’s fun to mess with teachers by training your kids to review books with terms like “sophomoric” and “pedestrian”
Can’t, The Thundercats need me.
Engineer: A short circuit in the deer’s nose could cause it to glow red hot. Yes, it’s dangerous.
But should we recall, the most famous reindeer of all?